


sleeping with ghosts

by franticatlantic



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, M/M, josh is a ghost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-18 03:46:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7298164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/franticatlantic/pseuds/franticatlantic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh Dun dies on the evening of February 16th.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sleeping with ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the Placebo song of the same name.
> 
> Unbeta'd. Any mistakes are my own.
> 
> If there's something else you need tagged, let me know.

Josh Dun dies on the evening of February 16th.

The time of death on the coroner's report will say 11:30 PM. The cause of death will read road traffic collision, blunt force trauma. Manner of death: accidental.

The left side of Josh's neck is split open in the collision, head twisted grotesquely around. Blood pools below his mangled body and his shin bones poke awkwardly through his jeans, shining in the headlights like ghastly stars.

Josh's intestines are smeared across a quarter mile of I-71.

His girlfriend screams from the passenger seat of the car.

His parents decide almost automatically to have a closed-casket funeral. His mother can barely even stand to look at the body.

Tyler Joseph is at home in bed, snoring softly and drooling onto his pillow.

-

Tyler gets to class early that morning, eyes still half-lidded as his head droops toward the blackboard. He clutches the side of his desk in one hand. In the other a venti iced coffee from Starbucks.

So it's the middle of February. Tyler has always preferred cold drinks to hot anyway.

The clock on the wall ticks dryly behind him. A perfect position for it, really, because Mr. Bentley likes to yell at kids who turn around to look at it.

'You pay for these classes,' he always says. 'You want them to be over so quickly?'

_Yes_ , Tyler always thinks. _I am exhausted and I have a game tonight just let us go five minutes early._

He never does.

More students start to filter in a few minutes later. Most of them look morose and moody, but that's nothing new. Perks of having an 8 AM Stats class first thing Monday morning.

Tyler groans quietly to himself just thinking about it. Fucking kill him.

The next group to enter the classroom is huddled around a girl with short dark hair. Tyler thinks her name is Megan. Talking quietly, the group takes a seat in the back.

Jenna ambles in five minutes before 8, looking even more dead than Tyler feels.

"Rough night?" He smirks, hands her the chai he got her.

She sips slowly, face steadily evolving from deceased to at least half-alive. She shakes her head, blonde hair askew. "I was just up late reading the news stories."

Tyler downs another quarter of his coffee. "What news stories?"

Jenna looks at him like he's lost his marbles, fine eyebrows drawn down toward familiar baby blues. "Dude, you haven't heard? Haven't you been online at all today?"

"No." He has Facebook, but he never checks it. Waste of time. "Do what you do best and enlighten me. Please."

"A student died last night. He was a Music major. A Senior, I think. He got hit by a car around midnight."

"Oh." Tyler doesn't know what else to say. "Damn…did you know him?"

"No." Jenna takes another hasty sip of chai. "I think Chris' friend James may have run in the same circle with him? I'm not sure because this class is too Goddamn early for anyone important to be awake and answering my texts."

Mr. Bentley enters then, followed by a few kids rushing to their seats in an effort not to be labeled tardy.

Bentley's rubbing at the bridge of his nose, a harried sigh ruffling the dark whiskers at the edge of his mouth. He takes a seat on the edge of his desk and just stares at the class at large.

Tyler taps his pencil twice.

"I'm sure you've all heard the news by now. This is a sad day, but I don't want to be sidetracked from our lesson. If anyone here needs to be excused-"

Very suddenly, Megan with the short dark hair bursts into tears and hurries from the room. Everyone turns to watch this happen and as such, everyone sees her friend with the long red hair shake her head and get to her feet.

"Insensitive asshole," she spits at Mr. Bentley, and chases after her friend.

When Tyler turns back around he sees that Mr. Bentley is neither upset nor perturbed. He looks perfectly nonplussed.

"Anyone else?" He asks in a voice that sounds rather bored, at least to Tyler.

Tyler wants to call Bentley an insensitive asshole too, as well as a whole list of other names. John Bentley is not what you'd call an old school professor - he's relatively young compared to a lot of Tyler's other teachers. So Tyler wonders what prompts him to be such a raging douchecanoe on a daily basis.

He doesn't voice this thought, though, just opens his textbook to page 394 when prompted.

-

The email comes through as they're walking across campus to the caf.

"Hold on, I just got something." Tyler stops Jenna by the sleeve of her jacket, numb fingers scrolling through his phone.

It's from the head of admissions, entitled simply JOSHUA DUN.

The body reads:

_One of our very own Cougars was taken from us last night, in an unfortunate car accident on Interstate 71. His name was Josh Dun, a Senior Music major, who participated in band and numerous other extracurricular activities. Josh was a valued member of the CSU community and he will be dearly missed. At the time of this email there is no set date for a funeral or vigil, but school officials will keep you informed as any new details unfold._

_If you need someone to speak to at this time, please visit the Health & Wellness Center at Campus North or contact your academic advisor._

Tyler chews his lip, Jenna reading over his shoulder.

"God, it's so sad," she mutters, and Tyler can smell the chai on her breath. "…can we get inside, though? I'm freezing my nuts off out here."

Tyler nods, puts his phone in his pocket as they push the door to the cafeteria open.

-

On the TVs in the dining hall Columbus State's student-run news program, Cougar News, broadcasts a piece about Josh with somber faces before moving onto a story about the new cafeteria food. Some of which Tyler has stuffed in his mouth at that exact moment.

He opted for the new fish sandwich, which is surprisingly good. And which he had to fight tooth and nail for because apparently now the cafeteria doesn't start selling lunch until 11, those inconsiderate fucks.

Tyler doesn't really like breakfast food. Half the reason he even applied to CSU is because he heard their cafeteria served lunch and dinner all day.

He can't help but glance around - the cafeteria seems to be split into two groups today: those who knew Josh Dun and those who didn't.

He can't help but think it's a little weird that he hasn't seen a picture of the guy yet, though. Cougar News didn't broadcast one so Tyler's left to imagine what Josh looked like on his own - probably tall with dark hair, kind of tan, with glasses. Then he realizes he's just thinking of another guy he knows who used to do band.

"Mm," Jenna hums, waving a french fry around and scrolling through her phone. "Apparently James knew Josh."

Tyler just nods. He doesn't know James and so consequently he never knew Josh either. He takes another bite of his sandwich.

"Man, this _sucks_.”

Jenna pouts over her chicken tenders, chewing on her fries like cow cud.

So he flicks an onion at her, just to see her flip out and almost fall backward in her chair.

"You're evil," she huffs once she's managed to pick the onion daintily off of her food with a napkin.

But Tyler just grins, and then so does Jenna, blue eyes back to being baby instead of navy.

That's what Tyler does best, other than basketball - he's the nuisance no one else wants to be.

-

He doesn't have another class until 1, but Jenna leaves him at 11 for an Orgo class that has her clawing her eyeballs out. It's a 400 level course even though they're only Sophomores, but Jenna is basically a genius so she's taking almost all accelerated classes.

She has a full academic scholarship to CSU and Tyler has a full athletic scholarship.

They'd be perfect for each other, if Jenna liked guys.

Or if Tyler liked girls.

Both of those things kind of work against them.

And against their parents, who have been practically begging them to get together since high school.

Tyler's mom and dad have mostly stopped pushing that kind of shit so hard, after Tyler broke and yelled out at a family dinner that he was, in fact, gay. Jenna, on the other hand, hasn't stepped foot outside the closet. So sometimes Tyler will take her on dates just to set her parents (and her) at ease.

Jenna gathers her things and Tyler pinches her sleeve between his thumb and forefinger. "Just take deep breaths today, yeah?"

After the onion-flinging incident he'd seen her mood start to droop again. Without any more onions to throw at her all he could offer were his words. Which seemed to fall short with everyone else, but never with Jenna.

She gives him a tiny smile, passes her fingers through his hair. "Thanks, Ty."

Mark gets to campus at 12:30, breezes into the dining hall talking loudly about his latest Photography assignment.

"I mean, you can't ask the class to compose a shot completely at random while working with an outline. It's impossible! It's a fucking paradox, and if Spata thinks she can-"

More than a few people have turned to glare at Mark, shaking their heads and muttering under their breath.

"Dude, keep it down." Tyler pulls Mark into the chair Jenna previously occupied.

"I'll yell if I damn well please!" Mark shouts at the crowd of students around them. One guy takes his quesadilla and moves to sit outside.

Tyler squints at his friend. "Haven't you heard?"

Mark is arguably even more up to date with technology and the internet than Jenna is. It's odd that he wouldn't know.

"About what?" Even now Mark is half a world away, fiddling with his camera.

"About the kid who died."

Mark nods. "Oh yeah, I heard. Sad and everything, but I didn't know him. I think James did." He slides his camera onto the table and it thuds against Tyler's formidable Aesthetics textbook. "That thing's a piece of shit. I need a new one."

-

That night at practice Michael almost clotheslines Tyler because an eery screeching sound echoes over the PA and neither of them are paying attention to what they’re doing. Tyler’s sneakers screech on the court, and he’s forced to duck under Michael’s arm with his feet planted awkwardly on either side of his teammate.

“Sorry, man,” Michael breathes, ball bouncing away.

But Tyler doesn’t answer, listening to his blood rushing in his ears and the heavy breathing of _whoever_ over the PA.

“Good afternoon, students, faculty, and staff members of Columbus State University.” Tyler recognizes the voice of CSU’s president before he even introduces himself. “This is President Manning. As most of you already know, we lost a CSU family member last night in a horrific accident. While this is indeed a time of great mourning for our community, classes, sporting events, and other university activities will commence as normal throughout the week. Thank you for your time and have a wonderful evening.”

Tyler glances around to see that the rest of his team has paused as well, standing with their mouths open on the court. There are almost never any announcements while they’re practicing in the gym.

On the bleachers, Mark is snapping pictures and laughing to himself.

“Mr. Eshleman, if I see photos of my players just standing around on the court in the school paper you’re failing PE.”

Mark waves to Coach John and takes a seat. “I can’t believe you’d ever accuse me of something so slanderous, Mr. Williams. Am I not the picture of sophisticated grace?”

Coach John just stares. “Alright, boys, pack it up. Same time Wednesday.”

Tyler disentangles himself from Michael, heads to the showers, and meets Mark in the hall afterward.

“It’s kind of insensitive, right?”

“What is?” Mark is tabbing through the photos he took during practice.

Tyler snatches the camera from his hands, holds it just out of Mark’s reach when he grabs for it. “That everything’s just…normal. I mean, a kid died last night. There were people here who knew him, who were close to him. And now he’s just gone. And everyone’s acting like it’s okay.”

“Dude.” Mark lunges for the camera again. “We all know it’s not okay, but what do you want them to do? Cancel classes and shut the school down for a week?”

_Yes_ , Tyler thinks. _That’s what I’d want if it were me._

He just sighs.

“Camera, please,” Mark says as they exit into the parking lot, the wind whipping at their faces and making the tip of Tyler’s nose go numb in record time.

“You said you needed a new one anyway,” Tyler gripes, pretending to almost drop it.

Mark looks like he’s on the verge of a coronary, grabbing the strap and yanking the camera back. “But until I get one, this baby is all I have.”

Tyler makes a face. “I didn’t know you could exchange your child for another one.”

“People do it all the time. It’s called adoption.”

-

_VICTIM PULLED OVER CAR ON I-71 AFTER VERBAL FIGHT, FATALLY STRUCK BY 2 CARS WHILE WALKING_

_COLUMBUS, Oh. - Ohio State Police say the victim who was struck and killed while walking Sunday night on I-71 has been identified as 21-year-old Joshua W. Dun, of Westerville._

_An investigation continues into the fatal pedestrian accident, which happened after an argument between Dun and his girlfriend, according to police. Just after 11 p.m. State Police received multiple 911 calls, including from Dun’s girlfriend, reporting the crash on southbound I-71, west of Rt. 270. When police and medics arrived on the scene, Dun was pronounced deceased._

_A preliminary investigation reveals that Dun was driving southbound on I-71 with his girlfriend. The two got into a verbal argument and Dun stopped the car on the right shoulder of the highway. He got out of the car and was walking in the road when he was struck by two vehicles traveling southbound._

_The drivers of the two striking vehicles remained on the scene and were interviewed by troopers. At this time, police say no charges are "anticipated.”_

_Southbound I-71 was closed west of Rt. 270 due to the investigation; the interstate was completely reopened around 2 a.m. Monday._

-

Someone posted this article on Josh’s Facebook page, which Tyler was able to find easily after x’ing out of 20 FarmVille requests and 35 invites to events fronted by people he didn’t even know.

Josh’s profile picture was him behind a set of drums. Not band drums, but an actual drum set onstage at some show. The other pictures in his default album were all normal - he was smiling in some, not in others, kissing his girlfriend in some, with friends in others. A fair few selfies.

He had brown eyes and pale skin, a tattoo on his arm. He’d dyed his hair everything from blue to pink. At the time of his passing it looked like it might have been red.

His profile was set to private so Tyler couldn’t see much more than that.

There’s a knock at the door. “Ty?”

Tyler closes out of Facebook, brings up iTunes with his face burning for some reason. “Hm?”

When his mom opens the door he pretends he’s trying to find a song to listen to.

“Did you do your 500 yet?”

He nods, turning in his chair with all the nonchalance he can muster. “Yeah, Dad counted.”

He thought the 500 baskets before dinner thing would stop when he made Varsity. It very well would have if he’d opted to stay on campus during his time at CSU, but Tyler didn’t like the prospect of moving out so soon and Jenna wasn’t dorming either so he chose to live at home.

His mom goes to close the door, but Tyler calls her back. “Did you ever know a Laura Dun? Her son’s name was Josh?”

“No, but I heard about that on the news. So sad. You didn’t know him, did you?”

Tyler shakes his head and his mom leaves. He navigates to Josh’s Facebook page once more, even though he should be working on his Stats homework. He worries at his lower lip, staring at the _Rancid_ header on the screen.

Josh Dun is dead, Tyler never knew him, and there’s not much he can do about it.

-

Someone is at the end of his bed, muttering to themselves.

”They got it all wrong, I mean _so_ wrong. What a fucking shitshow. Oh, and don’t even get me started on…”

The voice trails off, and Tyler rolls over. This is the oddest dream he’s ever had, caught between sleeping and wakefulness. And the voice is making it hard to relax fully. Not to mention the heavy weight at the foot of the bed, currently crushing his big toe.

Tyler kicks out, hard, hoping to dislodge whoever is sitting on his bed in his dream and maybe get some damn sleep.

Except the _thump_ as the someone hits the floor is very real. And it wakes Tyler fully with a jolt to his system. He’s still laying down, but just staring at the wall, unable to move.

“So rude,” the person is saying, on Tyler’s other side. A male voice, and the guy resumes his position on the edge of Tyler’s bed, though this time further away from his feet where Tyler won’t be able to kick him again.

He wishes he played baseball or lacrosse - that way he’d have some sort of weapon to at least grab and swing at the intruder. As it is, all he has is the basketball he can vaguely see the outline of in the corner. It’s much too far away for him to utilize as a weapon, however.

His eyes go to the trophy on his nightstand, exceptionally closer. Tyler’s entire team got them in high school for winning Nationals. He hopes there isn’t too much blood on it when he’s done bludgeoning this guy to death.

The guy has started to talk again, but Tyler’s heart is thumping so loudly he can’t make out what he’s saying.

With a grunt, Tyler reaches out for the trophy and swings it backward. Only his depth perception is way off and he collides with nothing but the headboard on the other side. The collision jars his arm and the bed frame shivers violently for a few seconds. Something tumbles onto his pillow beside him.

“What the frick was that?” The guy asks in a level voice.

“Ow,” Tyler moans, holding onto his arm. But he still has the presence of mind to shake the trophy in the guy’s direction. He can just see his outline against the far wall. “Get out. Or we’re gonna have trouble.”

The guy shifts, Tyler’s mattress wobbling. “Wait…you can hear me?”

“Yes.” Tyler tries to keep his voice from shaking. “Please leave. I _will_ hit you.”

“Can you…see me?”

“No. I haven’t seen your face. Just go and I won’t even call the cops, I promise.”

The guy is suddenly leaning over him and Tyler shrieks, covers his head with his arms, afraid the guy’s going to hit him or worse. But behind his eyelids, squeezed shut, he just sees the lamp flicker on. “How about now?”

Tyler refuses to open his eyes or uncover his head, still clutching the heavy trophy in his aching hand. He shakes his head.

“Dude, come on.” There’s a _fwump_ sound and the bed shakes again. “Throw me a bone here.”

“I’m not gonna look at you just so you have an excuse to shoot me or throw me out the window or something.”

There’s a huff and then chilly hands are pulling his arms apart. Chilly, strong hands.

Tyler mewls, trophy falling to the bed. His arm fucking smarts this guy needs to stop manhandling him he’s practically crushing his wrists with his mutant strength-

It’s Josh.

Tyler screams.

An honest to God, slasher flick scream.

Josh winces and Tyler claps his hands over his own mouth.

“You _can_ see me.” Josh’s hair is red and he’s wearing one of those ‘I want to believe’ shirts with a UFO on it.

He looks fucking elated.

Tyler, on the other hand, can imagine that he looks sick. He imagines all of the color has drained from his face and his eyes are wide and his mouth is hanging open. Kind of like a

“Ghost.”

“Huh?”

“You’re a ghost.”

Josh shrugs, one upward twitch of his shoulders. He still looks overjoyed, lips peeled back over a line of straight, white teeth even as he’s rubbing at the side of his hip. “My God, you have a foot on you. You play soccer?”

“Basketball.”

“That makes sense.” Josh looks pointedly at Tyler’s pillow.

Tyler’s gaze joins his, sees the little gold basketball that used to be attached to his trophy now resting forlornly next to his shoulder. “Oh, no,” he groans, sitting up and trying in vain to stick the ball back on. “Shit, my mom’s gonna be so mad.”

Sitting up has put him closer to Josh, who watches him patiently.

Tyler slides from the bed and crosses the room, places the broken pieces of the trophy on his desk before pressing his ear to the door. His rather high-pitched shriek doesn’t seem to have woken anyone up.

When he turns back to Josh the time on the clock reads 3:33 AM.

“Can I help you?” He’s at a loss for what else to say, what else he wants to know.

Josh makes this face, lips not quite puckered, but still pressed firmly together and shifting upward. He doesn’t say anything for a long time. Then - “I think you can.”

Tyler sighs, takes a few steps toward the bed. Then he realizes he doesn’t know how comfortable he would be voluntarily sitting next to a dead guy. He stops and stands in the middle of his room, rotating his arm.

Instead of forging ahead with whatever he wants Tyler to help him with, Josh cocks his head to the side. A lock of deep red hair falls into his eye. “Are you okay?”

“I think so. I think I just sprained something when I missed you.”

Josh chuckles darkly. “You didn’t miss.”

Tyler glares at him. “Well, I certainly didn’t hit you.”

Josh has this cheeky little grin on his face that makes Tyler want to take another swing. “But you didn’t miss. You went through me.”

With his jaw set, Tyler scowls. “That’s so dirty. You should have just let me hit you. It’s not like you can die again anyway.”

Something flickers across Josh’s face, like passing headlights. It’s gone just as quickly, but Tyler doesn’t forget. “Sorry-“

“Forget about it.” Josh looks like he means what he says, so Tyler drops it. But he still doesn’t forget.

Josh crosses his legs. “I was here last night. I talked to you about what happened, and other stuff. You were asleep, obviously. You know you drool?”

Suddenly self-conscious, Tyler swipes at his mouth with the back of his hand. He _does_ know that he drools, thank you very much, has woken up on more than one occasion with his face stuck to his pillow with dried saliva. “You were here last night? After-“

“Yeah. Right after it happened. I just woke up here. I don’t know why so don’t ask. But there’s something I want you to do for me. Do you think you can?”

Tyler runs a hand through his hair, twirls a finger around where it stuck up as he slept. Josh is watching him intently, but he feels…muddled is the best way to put it.

“I don’t bite,” Josh says, puts a hand on the bed next to him. “You can sit here.”

But Tyler doesn’t move, not yet. “…you still haven’t denied that you’re a ghost.”

“I’m not confirming it either. How the hell do I know what I am?”

Tyler snorts. “ _You’re_ the one who died, dude.”

He only realizes how insensitive that sounded when he sees that same flicker of bewilderment cross Josh’s face.

“Shit, sorry,” he apologizes again, hesitantly approaches the bed and sits next to Josh. “I am, y’know? Sorry. About what happened to you. That really…sucks, man.”

Josh looks like he doesn’t know what Tyler’s saying, staring at him with dark, blank eyes. “Josh?”

“Your name’s Tyler, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Tyler.” Josh puts a hand on Tyler’s shoulder and it’s cold where they touch. But Josh looks better now, more lucid. “It’s fine. I died, I get that. I’m dead… _was_ dead. I don’t know what I am now. But I need to know if you can do this for me.”

“You haven’t told me what it is yet.”

“I need you to talk to my girlfriend. I need you to talk to Debby.”

-

Tyler lets Josh know they go (went) to the same school so he shouldn’t have a problem tracking Debby down. Josh tells him he knows this. In fact, he knows a lot about Tyler already.

Josh can go invisible when he wants to, like an actual ghost. That’s what he did all yesterday, chilling in Tyler’s room and watching him get ready for class. He saw Tyler’s gym bag with the Cougars emblem on it, saw the syllabus of the classes he’s taking…saw Tyler scrolling through his Facebook.

Tyler tries to apologize for snooping, but Josh tells him he can log into his account if he wants, post spooky messages to his friend’s walls. Tyler does _not_ know why he would do that, nor does he think it’s funny.

Josh thinks it’s hilarious.

He can also make himself translucent, which is how he stopped Tyler from hitting him in the middle of the night.

It’s how, when Josh won’t stop laughing about the Facebook thing and Tyler throws the basketball from his trophy at him, it falls right through his chest.

“That’s gonna get real old, real fast,” Tyler tells him.

“Just go talk to my girlfriend, please. She’s normally in the Art Wing hanging shit up on Tuesdays.”

“Hanging _shit_ , huh? That’s gross.”

Josh rolls his eyes and disappears. But Tyler knows he’s still there.

“You haven’t even told me what you want me to say.”

Josh fades back in, now sitting on Tyler’s bed. He shrugs. “Whatever you wanna say.”

Tyler’s backpack is hanging from one shoulder, mouth yawning open as Tyler attempts to stuff his Biology notes inside. He gives Josh an unamused look.

Josh shrugs again. “Not like you can tell her Josh says he loves her or that I miss her or that I’m sorry. She’ll think you’re crazy.”

“What do you have to be sorry about?”

They stayed up half the night talking about Josh and seeing if they could find out why he was still here, but Tyler never brought up the actual accident itself until now.

“You read the police report. We got in a fight on the highway and I got out of the car. Pretty stupid on my part.”

“Still. You were the one who got hit. Not the other way around.”

Josh scrubs a hand violently through his hair and doesn’t say anything.

Tyler lets it go, zips his book bag and shoulders it the rest of the way. “What if she isn’t on campus today? She’s probably mourning pretty bad right now.”

Red hair wavers as Josh shakes his head, staring at the floor. “She’ll be there. Trust me.”

-

Debby is there.

Tyler doesn’t have class until 12, but he gets to campus at 11, just because he doesn’t know how long tracking Debby down and talking to her will take.

Tracking her down doesn’t take long at all. She’s right there as he turns the corner into the Art Wing, hanging shit up just like Josh said she would be.

Except it’s not shit at all. Tyler doesn’t know if they’re her drawings or someone else’s, but they’re all charcoal sketches - portraits of people. And they’re amazing.

And Tyler is afraid to speak up, standing behind her and staring with his mouth open.

Debby has one of the drawings clutched in hand as she turns to look at him. “Can I help you?”

She has sad eyes, which Tyler expected. Her boyfriend just died and she’s probably had people coming up to her nonstop the past two days, telling her how sorry they were and how their condolences were with her and if she needed anyone to talk to they would be there, but Debby would never be able to track them down, even if she _really_ needed someone to talk to.

Tyler clears his throat. “I was looking for the library,” he lies. “I’m new here.”

“Oh.” Debby’s face warms, but only minimally. “You’re gonna hang a left around that next corner, then straight through those doors and across the quad you’ll find the library.”

“Thank you.”

Debby nods and Tyler starts down the hall. But he can’t leave yet. Josh never specified how long he had to talk to Debby, but he feels he owes the guy more than just directions to the damn library.

He turns back. “Those are beautiful, by the way. Did you do them all?”

Surprised, but looking pleased, Debby steps back from the wall, glancing at Tyler. “No, these are from my Figure Drawing class. My professor wanted me to put them up before the open house this weekend. This one’s mine.”

She pulls a picture out of the pile, holds it up carefully so as not to smudge the charcoal off.

It’s a picture of Josh.

“That’s…not really how he looked in person. Charcoal always makes people seem more…sinister than they really are.”

Tyler knows. The drawing of Josh is all dark lines and hard angles. Tyler can see the real Josh (or at least the ghost Josh) sitting on his bed, red hair outlined by the sun streaming through the window, soft smile, pale skin.

Debby’s drawing is still beautiful.

She’s staring at Tyler with her eyebrows drawn together, trying to figure out if Tyler knows who she is, if he knows what happened, if Tyler heard about Josh’s accident, if he heard that Debby was in the car when it occurred. He can’t imagine how hard that must have been, for her to have seen that.

He also can’t keep his mouth shut.

“I knew Josh,” he blurts. The tears well in Debby’s eyes automatically. “I know he loved you. If he were here, right now, he’d want you to know that.”

“How-“

But Tyler’s turning, hurrying down the hall as Debby calls after him.

He hopes he never sees her again. He hopes Mark never drags him down the Art Wing again to look at photos his Photography class took.

He hopes Debby believes him, that Josh loved her.

Still loves her.

-

His Bio lab is three hours long and he can’t concentrate. Not even with Mark beside him cracking jokes about worms and frogs and whatever else.

He’s still shaken up over his encounter with Debby.

He thinks about telling Mark he talked to her, but decides against it. Mark would want to know about what and why and how and Tyler just…doesn’t want to deal with that.

Besides, he’s much more concerned about what he’s going to say to Josh.

There are 20 minutes left in class when he decides to just tell him the truth.

Professor Sullivan lets them go early.

Karma is one hell of a gal.

-

He grabs lunch in the caf and they meet up with Jenna.

That’s where he sees the ticker on the TV, underneath the lunch menu.

CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR JOSH DUN WILL BE HELD IN THE CHAPEL ON THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20TH.

Tyler doesn’t even think, just nods toward the television. “You guys wanna go?”

Jenna chews thoughtfully on her thumb nail, eyes glazing over. “I was thinking about going with Chris and James, but…”

Mark shrugs, glancing up just long enough to figure out what Tyler’s talking about and then going back to his lab report, probably the first time in his life he’s gotten a head start on homework that has nothing to do with photography. “Sure, let’s go.”

“Jenna?”

“I can go.” She says it likes she’s convincing herself. Jenna has been fucked in the head about death ever since her grandmother died when she was nine. Her words - not Tyler’s.

That’s why Tyler leans toward her, presses the length of their arms together. “You sure?”

Jenna gives him a brave smile. “Positive.”

-

It’s snowing when he gets home, but he still leaves his things in the car and grabs the basketball out of the garage, starts shooting hoops so he can eat dinner as soon as possible.

Even after the day he’s had, he’s still focused enough to finish within the hour, sweating underneath his bulky coat as he retrieves his bag from the car. He can smell that his dad already has dinner cooking when he enters, takes the stairs up two at a time to his room.

“Josh?” He says immediately, kicking his shoes off.

Josh starts to materialize on Tyler’s bed, stretched out on his stomach and groaning. “Hm?”

“Were you _napping_?”

Yawning, Josh sits up and looks blearily at him. “You sound amazed.”

“I am. Are ghosts supposed to sleep?”

“We don’t know that I’m a ghost yet.”

Tyler shrugs, placing the rest of his shit near his desk. “True.”

With a scratch to his arm, Josh fixes him with a stare. “So. How was it?”

Tyler joins him on the bed, rubbing his hands to try and get feeling back into them. “I asked her for directions to the library at first because I got nervous.”

Josh quirks an eyebrow.

“But I went back because…because I thought I owed you more than that. She was hanging up these charcoal drawings that one of her art classes had done. She showed me hers. It was of you. And it was really good. I mean, you probably know how good of an artist she is, but I mean, she’s amazing.”

“She is,” Josh mutters, watching Tyler’s chin instead of his eyes.

Tyler pauses, the truth on the tip of his tongue before it comes tumbling out. “I told her I knew you.”

“What?” Now Josh does look at him.

“It just happened, I swear! I thought that would make it easier.”

“So you lied to my girlfriend.”

“It wasn’t a lie! I _do_ know you. Now. Just hear me out.”

Josh huffs. “Fine.”

“So, I told her I knew you. And if you were still around that you’d tell her you loved her. I figured that was as good a way as any to tell her what you told me without actually saying it, right?”

Tyler can’t read Josh’s expression. “What did she say?”

“Actually,” Tyler rubs the back of his neck, “I got the hell out of there before she could ask me how I knew you or anything like that.”

Josh groans and falls backward on the bed, but there’s a smile on his face and he’s laughing. “You’re such a dweeb.” Head craned around awkwardly to see Tyler from the end of the bed, Josh licks at his teeth. “But thanks, man. I think she’d appreciate that.”

“You’re w-“

A knock at the door. “Ty?”

Tyler’s heart leaps into his throat and Josh disappears immediately. “Y-yeah?”

His mom cracks the door just enough to poke her head in. “500?”

“Done.” Tyler motions to his face, still red and sweaty.

She nods. “Dinner will be ready soon if you’re hungry.”

“Starving.”

The door clicks shut and Josh slowly reappears, still laying on the bed. “What’s that all about?”

“I have to make 500 baskets every night or I can’t eat dinner.”

The look Josh gives him now is one of actual concern.

“Not _seriously_ ,” Tyler chuckles. “She just wants me to be the best I can be.”

“Dude, you’re on Varsity. It doesn’t get much better than that.”

“I could be in the NBA already,” Tyler says petulantly.

Josh sits up. “Maybe if you hadn’t gone to college. But you did. Tons of kids would kill to be on Varsity.”

“I know.” He picks at his fingernail, before glancing up. “They’re having a vigil for you. On Thursday.”

There’s silence for a few seconds. Then Josh clears his throat, which Tyler also thinks is weird for a ghost. “Are you gonna go?”

“Of course!” But the more Tyler looks at Josh, illuminated in the glow from the winter sun, the more he thinks Josh wouldn’t want him to. “Unless…I mean, we didn’t really know each other so I understand if-“

“No. You should go.”

“Cool. Do you want me to say something?”

Josh thinks for a minute, lower lip caught between sharp teeth. He makes a soft sucking sound. “Better not. Your friends’ll know something’s up if you do. If they’re going.”

Tyler nods. “I’m going with Jenna and Mark. Jenna wants to meet up with Chris and your friend James.”

Josh nods back. He looks lost for a second. Tyler knows this all must be hard for him to comprehend so he waits, even though he has homework to do and a shower to take. He waits for the dead boy across from him. “Have I had a funeral yet?”

“I don’t think so. The email the school sent out said they’d let us know when your family decided to have one and I haven’t heard anything. Why?”

What a stupid question, Tyler.

“Just wondering.”

It’s getting late and Tyler knows he smells so he goes to take a shower, eats dinner, and when he comes back Josh is at his laptop, scrolling through Tyler’s Facebook feed.

“Can you believe this shit?”

Tyler gives a noncommittal noise, packing his bag for practice tomorrow.

“Beloved Cougar, Josh Dun,” Josh reads from one of the many memorial posts littering the page. “Not only is that just seriously wide of the mark, it also makes me sound like I’m a 40-year-old woman preying on high school boys.”

Tyler pauses, sneakers stuck halfway in his duffel. “You were beloved, though, Josh. Everyone’s really upset.”

Josh gives - what sounds to Tyler - something between a hacking cough and a hard laugh. “I don’t know what’s worse - the fact that everyone’s pretending to care or the fact that you told me they cancelled no classes whatsoever.”

Tyler doesn’t know what to say, just watches Josh closely.

Josh scrubs a hand over his chin, eyes trained carefully on Tyler’s laptop screen. His voice is barely more than a whisper. “Fake emotion or none at all.”

“You really think no one cares you’re dead?”

“I didn’t say that-“

“Yes, you did. You just said everyone’s ‘pretending’ to care. Well, Debby wasn’t _pretending_ to care. She bawled her eyes out right in front of me. Jenna isn’t _pretending_ to care. She didn’t even know you and she was obviously upset, so don’t-“

“Drop it, Tyler.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Fine.” Tyler kicks his bag toward the door, so it’s ready for tomorrow morning. “I don’t know what I’m talking about. Can you leave so I can sleep? I have an 8 AM-“

Josh is already gone.

-

Tyler’s alarm wakes him at 6:30. He has trouble opening his eyes, as always. Then trouble getting out of bed, as always. Then trouble putting his clothes on, as always.

Halfway through tugging his shirt down, Tyler glances around the room. “I know you’re in here. Pervert.”

Maybe that was a bit much. But Josh doesn’t show himself or give any other sign that he’s listening.

Tyler grabs his backpack and his gym bag. With his hand gripping the door, he turns back to his room. “I have practice tonight so I’ll be late. Don’t wait up for me, honey.”

Tyler’s already-broken trophy slips from the nightstand and shatters. He’s not as pressed about it as he thought he’d be. “Asshole,” he says, then leaves.

-

Professor Bentley is in prime ill-mannered fashion that morning, the caf refuses to serve Tyler his fish sandwich until 11, and Mark won’t shut up about his new camera.

Tyler is happy for him, let that be said. His old camera was pretty beat up and on its last leg, but Tyler finds it hard to care about white balance and gradients after the fight he and Josh had.

Would it be considered a fight?

Even if it would, it shouldn’t matter to him. He hardly knows Josh and Josh showed up in the middle of the night and started intruding on _his_ life, not the other way around.

So why does he feel like shit?

Between Aesthetics and practice he tracks James Lotz down in the theatre after his acting class. It takes a lot of snooping and asking Jenna questions and finding James’ best friend Chris Salih and asking _him_ questions about James’ schedule, but he manages.

He waits in the lobby for the class to let out, stands when he hears them coming upstairs.

He approaches every guy he sees, asking for James Lotz. Near the back, a tall guy with blonde hair and glasses steps up and eyes him. “I’m James.”

“Hi, I’m Tyler. Do you mind if we talk in private? There’s something I wanna ask you about.”

James is with two other kids, hanging back near the doors and waiting for him. Tyler’s afraid he’s going to say he has another class right after this, but James waves his friends away and tells them he’ll see them later.

There’s a bench outside of the theatre lobby, tucked away far enough that Tyler’s confident no one will be able to overhear them unless they’re traveling from the theatre to the school of business. And most theatre kids don’t take business classes. That’s just a fact.

Tyler sits with James next to him, drops his gym bag on the ground. There’s a chill in the air, like it might snow again.

“Sorry to bring this up. I know you’ve probably had everyone and their mother coming up to you about it, but you knew Josh Dun, right?”

James makes this face, somewhere between constipated and immensely depressed. But he doesn’t cry. Let that also be said - James Lotz does not cry about Josh Dun. “Yeah. I knew him.”

Tyler isn’t afraid, not like he was when he spoke to Debby. He just wants answers. “Were you friends with him?”

“I’d say so, yeah.”

He has to choose his words carefully now, so as not to accidentally let slip that Josh is currently hiding out as a ghost in his bedroom. “Can you tell me about him? Anything.”

“What, are you writing something about him for the paper?”

“Yeah,” Tyler says slowly.

James passes a hand through his hair. He’s tan, almost tanner than Tyler, and extremely handsome. He fixes his glasses. “Josh was…one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known, honestly. He was kind and talented and he could play the drums like nobody’s business. We were in a band together so I spent a lot of time around him. Do you want the name of the band?”

“For?”

“Your article.”

That quickly he’d forgotten. He’s such a bad liar. “Oh, sure.”

“We were called Blurryface.”

“That’s an awesome name,” Tyler says, and means it.

“Josh came up with it. He said it represented all of his insecurities, his doubts. He…had a lot of those. He struggled a lot with depression, BPD, anxiety. Mostly anxiety. He got really nervous around big groups of people, anyone new, he had really bad stage fright. But he still got up there almost every Friday or Saturday night and played his heart out with us.” James pauses, gaze fixed somewhere near Tyler’s left knee. Then he looks at Tyler. “Don’t put that stuff in there. In your article.”

“I won’t.”

For a while they sit in silence, the wind whipping between them.

Then James clears his throat. “I miss him.”

“A lot of people do.”

-

His head’s a lot clearer at practice, even though his arm still hurts. The team looks good, plays better, and Coach John cuts them 20 minutes early.

Mark meets him outside of the showers as usual, only this time he’s waving his camera in Tyler’s face and taking more photos. He really hasn’t stopped taking pictures since he got the damn thing. Tyler’s glad one of his best friends is so passionate about something (mostly because Tyler finds it hard to be passionate about anything and he’s tried a lot of things), but he knows he must look stupid in half the pictures Mark has on his SD cards. “You wanna come over? I just got the new Mortal Kombat and it’s sick.”

“I would, but…” Excuse. Quick. “…my aunt’s coming over for dinner.”

“Bummer. This weekend?”

Tyler agrees.

-

He does his 500 in what he considers record time, his mom watching through the kitchen window, and then scurries upstairs.

Josh is standing there when he opens the door, leaning against the windowsill. He and Tyler exchange glances. “You’re really good at basketball.”

“Thanks.” Tyler kicks the door shut.

If things are a little awkward in the silence that follows Tyler doesn’t notice. He just drops his bag by the door and steps closer to Josh. “I’m sorry. About what I said. You’re right - I don’t know what I’m talking about when I talk about you. We’ve only known each other for two days. Three, if you count the night I didn’t know you were here. But you have to believe me when I say that people miss you. Your friend James, he told me-“

“You talked to James? James Lotz?” Josh’s eyes are narrowed, the sun setting behind his red, red hair.

Tyler nods. “I just wanted to-“

“What did he tell you?” The look on Josh’s face is intense, his lips pulled back in something of a sneer.

“Nothing,” Tyler lies vehemently. “Just that you guys were in a band together. The point of this story is that he told me he misses you. And if I were to ask most of the people at CSU who knew you they would say the same thing, Josh, you gotta believe me.”

Josh looks out the window, crosses his arms. “That was a real invasion of privacy, Tyler.”

Tyler claps his hands against his legs. “Like reading my syllabus over my shoulder wasn’t? Like sitting in my room going through my shit all day isn’t?”

“What the fuck? I don’t go through your shit.”

“Then what the hell do you do up here all day?”

“I sleep.”

That stops Tyler short. “What?”

“Get the sports banquet accolades out of your ears - you heard me.” Josh looks at Tyler’s bed. “I sleep. I dream. If it could be called that. I think they’re memories. Some of them I can recall having seen before, others are from when I was really young and don’t remember. My first day of school, riding my bike with my Pokemon cards in the spokes, going sledding with Jordan. Maybe that’s what they mean when they say your life flashes before your eyes, I don’t know…”

“Josh?”

Josh grunts.

“What did you see when you died?”

“Nothing.”

-

Josh lays on Tyler’s bed dozing while Tyler does homework and tries to answer as rapidly as he can in the group text he has going with Mark and Jenna. Open on his laptop are his online class, Google, and Pandora. Mark is currently blowing their shit up about Mortal Kombat.

Eventually Tyler has to call it a night, eyelids pulling down as he shuts everything off.

He stumbles to the bed, rubbing at his eye. Josh looks like he’s having a good one, arms pillowed on his stomach and a faint smile on his face.

Tyler hates to disturb him, but an exhausted Varsity basketball player’s gotta do what an exhausted Varsity basketball player’s gotta do. He pokes Josh in the arm. “Josh.”

Josh hums, blinking one eye open.

“Gonna sleep. You wanna get up?”

A pause. Then, “Not really.”

Suit yourself, Tyler thinks, stripping down to his boxers and crawling under the covers. Josh is a heavy weight beside him, though he’s giving off no heat.

Before he sleeps Tyler thinks of something. “Hey. Your vigil’s tomorrow.”

“That it is.” Josh sounds wide awake, but Tyler can’t stop yawning.

“You sure you don’t want me to say anything?”

“You can say whatever you want, Ty.” It’s the first time Josh has called him anything other than just Tyler. Tyler decides he likes it.

“But…it’s not gonna be weird or anything?”

Tyler feels Josh shrug beside him. “Depends on what you say, I guess.”

“What if I just said that I didn’t know you personally, but you seemed like a really great guy? That I talked to a lot of your friends and they all had nothing but good things to say about you?”

“That’s fine.” Rather suddenly, Josh is rolling over and winding an arm around Tyler’s waist, laying his hand over Tyler’s sternum.

Now fully awake, Tyler stares with wide eyes at the ceiling. “Josh?”

“Sorry, but fuck you’re so fucking warm.” He’s all pressed up against Tyler’s side, face mushed into his shoulder.

Tyler shivers. “You aren’t.”

“I’m cold?”

“Hella.”

“I don’t feel cold,” Josh mumbles against Tyler’s skin, and even his breath is frigid. “I feel…nothing.”

Even though Josh is icy cold wherever they touch, Tyler still turns and throws a leg over Josh’s hips, wraps his arms around Josh’s neck and lets Josh press his face even harder against his shoulder.

“Thank you.” Josh’s voice breaks, but Tyler doesn’t answer.

He rubs Josh’s back until he’s back to being so tired he can’t keep his eyes open. He lets them slide shut and even though he’s still kind of cold with Josh so close he steadily starts to fall asleep.

It doesn’t bother him at all that he’s sleeping with a dead guy.

-

In the morning Tyler is awakened not by the sun streaming through his window or the loud chirping of the fat pigeon that likes to sit on the tree just outside and honk at him, but by a shadow. An _absence_ of light, as it were.

It’s Josh’s head.

When Tyler blinks he sees fire, bright red sparks echoing out.

The first thing he’s aware of is that he and Josh are still pressed together and that he’s cold. It’s the middle of February and Josh is dead and Tyler doesn’t have that many clothes on so he’s shivering.

The second thing he’s aware of is that Josh is up on his elbow, staring at him.

“Can I help you?” He mutters, squeezes his eyes shut against the brightness of Josh’s hair.

Josh makes a noise. “Just thought you might wanna get up. Your alarm just went off.”

Tyler moans, mashes his face against Josh’s chest. He does not want to get up. He’s still exhausted, probably leftovers from staying up all Monday night talking to Josh and then not really getting a good night’s rest after that.

“Tyler?” Josh sounds amused.

“I’ll get up in a minute,” he says, except his mouth is all kinds of full of Josh’s T-shirt so it probably comes out as an unintelligible garble.

He’s still all tangled up with Josh, which only becomes apparent to him as he fully joins the land of the living. His leg is still over Josh’s waist, his arms (halfway numb) are still around Josh’s shoulders, and his breath ruffles Josh’s T-shirt every time he exhales.

When he looks up Josh is just staring. His eyes are bright, despite the darkness of their color. His lips are parted.

Tyler rolls away reluctantly, feet hitting the cold floor as he stretches and shivers.

Josh watches him get dressed in silence, politely disappears when Tyler changes into another pair of boxers.

“You don’t have to do that,” Tyler says with a roll of his eyes. “I know you’re still there anyway.”

Figure hazy on Tyler’s bed, Josh clasps his hands in his lap. “I closed my eyes.”

“I’m sure.” Tyler isn’t sure what made him say that, only that he has to rectify the situation as soon as possible. He picks his book bag up and heads for the door. “You sure you don’t want me to say anything tonight?”

“Like I said, you can say what you want. Not like I care. I’m dead.” Josh pauses. “Are you coming home beforehand?”

“Probably not. I’ll probably hang out with Mark and Jenna after class just so we’re right there and then I’ll be home.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“See you then?”

Josh nods and Tyler leaves.

-

The chapel is small and already halfway full by the time they get there, even though they arrive 30 minutes early. Tyler thinks about begging a seat in the back because he can see Debby and James up front, but he doesn’t have an acceptable excuse for Mark and Jenna when they inevitably ask why. So he sits behind the tallest guy he can find and sort of slouches down in the pew.

“It’s _freezing_ in here,” Jenna mutters. She shivers even though Tyler knows she’s wearing three layers under her jacket.

He offers his own coat because he’s all of a sudden very hot beneath the prospect of getting up to the podium and saying something about Josh. What _can_ he say, now that Debby thinks he knew Josh while Mark and Jenna know he didn’t?

He winds up not saying anything.

It’s been years since he’s been in a church. That’s not why he doesn’t say anything, but he finds it important to note that the last time he was in an actual church was probably eighth grade.

The chapel doesn’t count as an actual church. That’s also not why he doesn’t say anything.

He doesn’t say anything because he’s too afraid. Afraid that Debby will call him out or that he’ll see James in the first row and just puke all over his shoes.

When it comes time to do so, he follows Mark and Jenna to the front of the chapel and lights a candle. Without his jacket on he’s unable to lift his hood to better disguise himself so he tries to hide behind Mark.

There’s a picture of Josh surrounded by beautiful flowers. They’re both beautiful, Tyler thinks. The flowers and the picture. It’s some kind of formal band portrait, but Josh is smiling in it. Like he really means it.

Tyler puts his candle next to the others and returns to his seat.

Students start to file up to the front of the chapel, saying their nice words about Josh that make Tyler wish he could say something. Anything.

He sees Megan with the dark hair from his Stats class.

Jenna makes this odd noise and Tyler realizes she’s crying. When he moves to wrap an arm around her shoulders she shrugs him off.

Mark is looking pointedly away, toward the podium. Where Debby’s standing.

She gives an amazing eulogy that has Tyler misty-eyed before she’s even halfway through.

‘He’s still here!’ Tyler wants to scream. ‘He’s still here and he’s in my bedroom and he thinks no one cares that he’s dead, but if he could see this he’d _see_!’

All of a sudden James Lotz is standing with an abrupt scrape of the pew against the floor. People are muttering as he leaves the chapel. Debby watches him go with a look Tyler can’t quite decipher.

The cold that washes over him has nothing to do with the wind that rushes inside as James pulls the door open.

“If anyone’s interested in attending,” Debby finishes. She’s kept herself composed until now, but her voice quavers near the end, “Josh’s parents announced the funeral will be this coming Sunday at their local church in Westerville at 3. Thank you.”

Even though she shrugged him off earlier, when Jenna gives him back his jacket Tyler asks if she’s okay.

“I’m good.” There’s a twist to her lips that makes Tyler think she’s telling the truth. “You?”

He shrugs. “I’ll survive.”

That’s all he can do at this point, in over his head with a dead boy he never knew.

-

He’s in such a rush to get to Josh he doesn’t do his 500 before practically busting down the front door and sprinting upstairs.

“Josh!” He shouts.

Josh materializes on his bed, in the process of jolting up into a sitting position. “What’s wrong?”

“Look at this.”

Tyler sits on the bed with his phone in hand, but Josh shies away from the cold still clinging to his jacket. “Sorry.” He tosses his coat to the floor and Josh leans in again. Now Tyler is the one who’s cold, but he doesn’t care. Because he needs Josh to see.

After most people had vacated the chapel, Tyler whipped out his phone and took a picture of all the candles still burning. They were littered on the altar, around the picture of Josh and all his flowers, some burned dripping wax onto the pews.

The dusky twilight from outside made the whole thing seem not quite real. He’s sure that’s how it must seem to Josh, like this is all a dream. Like he’s not really dead or maybe like he can’t believe he is.

With the guy sitting next to him, Tyler has to admit he feels similarly.

But he still has to make Josh understand.

“That’s how many people were there,” he says, voice hushed. “All those candles. The place was packed. And everyone said really nice things about you. Debby, that girl Megan, a lot of other people I didn’t know but who seemed to know you pretty well.”

He doesn’t tell Josh that James didn’t say anything, or that he left partway through Debby’s eulogy.

Josh is silent. When Tyler looks at him, his eyes are glued to Tyler’s phone. Finally, he asks quietly, “What’d you say?”

“I couldn’t say anything. Debby was there and Mark and Jenna would have known something was up, y’know?”

Josh nods, very slowly. He looks away from the picture, to the windowsill, dismissive. He’s done looking at it.

Tyler lays his phone down. “Are you…okay?”

To say he wishes he knew what Josh is thinking, what he’s going through, is an understatement. How must it feel to be dead, to have some random boy bring you pictures from your own vigil, and not be able to do anything about it? How must it feel to know your entire family missed you, your friends, your classmates, and to be right here, but not able to go see them?

On second thought, maybe he doesn’t want to know.

There’s such a long silence that Tyler thinks Josh doesn’t want to talk. He lifts himself from the bed and tugs his shirt down. “I’m gonna-“

“I feel dead. You know that?” Josh pauses, turned away from Tyler toward the window. “I wish I could sit here and tell you I don’t feel dead, like something someone would say in a movie. But I do. I don’t feel sick or in pain or any of that. I just don’t feel anything. I’m not hot or cold, I’m not comfortable or uncomfortable. I’m fucking _dead_.”

His voice breaks on the last word, and so does Tyler’s heart.

Unhesitant, he’s climbing back onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Josh’s middle and squeezing. “I’m sorry. I wish I could figure out how to help you instead of just bringing you useless information or telling you what I think you want to hear or-“

“At least you’re trying. That’s a lot more than a lot of other people would do.”

“Still. You…” Tyler licks his lips, dredges the words up from the pit of his stomach, hoping they won’t make him feel guilty once they’re out. “…you shouldn’t have died. It should have been someone else.”

Something about Josh changes when Tyler says that, but before he can discern what it is it’s gone. Josh is pressing back against him, red hair getting in Tyler’s eyes as Josh pushes his head against Tyler’s. “This is the only time I feel anything. When you’re close.”

Tyler gets an idea, one he doesn’t fully hash out before putting into effect. He unwinds his arms from around Josh’s waist and uses them to push Josh back against the pillows instead.

“Tyler?” Josh is holding onto Tyler’s elbow, eyebrows drawn together.

“Just,” Tyler pushes more insistently, “let me try something.”

Josh goes easily after that, lets Tyler straddle his waist and thread his fingers in Josh’s red hair. Tyler doesn’t ask if it’s okay before he presses his mouth to Josh’s, doesn’t ask if it’s okay before licking past his lips, doesn’t ask if it’s okay before he reaches down to palm at his dick.

And Josh doesn’t say it’s not. He doesn’t push Tyler away or yell at him, just grips Tyler by the biceps and kisses him back, bucks his hips up against Tyler’s hand. When Tyler kisses his neck, pressing half of his face against Josh’s jaw, he makes this noise. Like he’s dying.

Or coming back to life. Tyler keeps an eye out for that, but Josh stays just as cold as he was before, unfortunately.

As hard as Tyler tries, the hickey he tries to give Josh for a full five minutes just won’t take. “Damnit,” he mutters, wiping at his chin. He’s drooled everywhere, just like when he sleeps, spit trailing down Josh’s neck and across half the pillow. Josh’s skin is just as pale as it was before he started.

“Not complaining,” Josh breathes, gets a hand in Tyler’s hair and tugs his mouth back.

But a hickey is not endgame for Tyler, who rucks Josh’s shirt up and kisses him everywhere from his chest to his navel. He swirls his tongue around Josh’s nipples, lays it flat against them just to hear Josh gasp, “So warm.”

It’s about to get a lot warmer, buddy, Tyler thinks, but doesn’t say that. He’s already creepy enough as it is.

Speaking of creepy, it’s only after he’s tugged Josh’s jeans down around his thighs and actually put his mouth on Josh’s dick that he thinks about what he’s doing.

Josh is dead. Tyler is sucking someone’s dead boyfriend off in his bed. Josh was someone’s son, someone’s brother, friend, bandmate. And Tyler is sucking his ghost dick right here. In his bedroom.

What the fuck.

He pops off with a slurp, replacing his mouth with his hand. When he looks at Josh, none of the usual signs of arousal are there. No flushed cheeks, no heaving chest, and Josh’s hair doesn’t seem to be any more messed up than it usually is.

But it’s in his eyes. They’re dark and sharp, holding onto Tyler like an anchor.

“You’re okay with this?” Tyler asks, slightly out of breath himself.

Josh nods, palms at Tyler’s side. “Yeah.”

“It’s just-“

“Don’t say it.”

They stare at each other for a second. Josh is still palming Tyler’s side with his chilly hand. Tyler is lazily sliding his fingers up and then back down Josh’s cock, passing his thumb over the head every so often.

Eventually he nods, leans down to lick at Josh’s stomach. Josh whimpers, abs flexing under Tyler’s tongue.

Josh isn’t anyone’s boyfriend anymore, Tyler tells himself. He isn’t anyone’s son or brother or bandmate. Josh doesn’t exist anymore.

It doesn’t matter right now if Josh is a ghost or a specter or Frankenstein’s fucking monster himself.

Right now Josh belongs to him.

To Tyler.

He sucks Josh’s cock down as far as he can get it, feels Josh’s fingers in his hair. When he gags, Josh’s hand is there, under his chin hauling him back up. But this isn’t about Tyler or his traitorous gag reflex. This is about Josh, who continues to mutter about how warm he is and wipe Tyler’s tears away every time his cock hits the back of Tyler’s throat.

Josh throws his head back when he cums, hips twitching in an effort not to abuse Tyler’s throat any more than he already has. But Tyler gives no fucks, grabs Josh’s waist with both hands and feels his cum gathering in the back of his mouth.

He keeps it there until he’s sure Josh is finished, then presses his mouth to Josh’s abdomen, lets it pour out over his tongue and past his lips as he drags himself upward, stopping in the center of Josh’s chest.

Then he leans up, panting, to admire what he’s done.

A long line of spit and cum connects Josh’s stomach to his sternum. Tyler’s eyes almost fall out of his head when Josh runs his hand through it, smearing the mess around his nipples and down both sides of his ribs.

“So hot,” Tyler murmurs, and hopes Josh knows he’s not just talking about Josh’s body temperature. “Weird that you’re a ghost and you just came, though.”

Josh lays beneath Tyler with half-lidded eyes, and he smirks. “Ectoplasm.”

Tyler laughs so hard he doubles over, feels Josh’s arms around him. Josh is warmer than he’s been since Tyler met him. Which was three days ago. He just blew a guy after three days of knowing him.

Better than a one night stand, he guesses.

Josh’s teeth are at his earlobe, tugging gently. He noses at Tyler’s jaw. “You want me to do you?”

Shaking his head, Tyler collapses fully onto Josh’s chest. The sun set while they were busy and Tyler’s just glad he could do this for Josh, make him feel alive again. If only for the moment.

He passes a hand through Josh’s hair, watching Josh’s eyelashes flutter. “The funeral’s Sunday. Debby said your parents just announced it.”

Josh looks at him, expression indecipherable. Tyler curls a hand around his shoulder, where his shirt is still bunched up. “I’m going. And I’m gonna say something, whether Debby’s there or not.”

Josh blinks. “What’re you gonna say?”

“I’m gonna say how nice you are, Josh. How awesome you are and how much you deserve to still be alive. It won’t be anything your family hasn’t heard before, but I’m still gonna say it just because it deserves to be said. I’ll just…say all of it in the past tense.”

“So people don’t think you’re crazy.”

Tyler huffs a laugh against Josh’s shoulder. “So people don’t think I’m crazy.”

Josh wiggles a little, then gives Tyler a look out of the corner of his eye. “Ty, I don’t-“

When the door swings open Tyler hits the bed with a small _oomph_. He’s rolling over, given his previous awkward position straddling someone who’s not there anymore. The way he lands stretches his thighs in a way he’s sure they’re not supposed to be stretched. He hisses and rubs at one of them while his mother eyes him from the doorway.

“Ty? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just pulled something at practice last night. What have I told you about knocking?” He needs her to be gone so he can climb back on top of Josh.

“Sorry. Just wanted to make sure you did your 500?”

“Not tonight.”

She frowns. “Tomorrow. 550.”

Tyler nods and his mom pulls the door shut. He knows she thinks making 500 baskets a night will catapult him to Lebron-esque basketball stardom, but Tyler knows better.

Josh is beside him again. His shirt is back in place, his dick back in his pants. “550?”

“She ups it by 50 every night I miss ‘em.” Tyler crawls back on top of Josh and slots his face between Josh’s neck and shoulder.

There’s a gust of air across his forehead as Josh laughs. “What if you’re sick?”

“She gives me a pass,” Tyler mumbles, licking out at Josh’s skin. He tastes like nothing. No salt or sweat or some flavor he can define as particularly _Josh_. Just nothing.

“Don’t tell me you’re about to fall asleep.” Josh sounds amused.

Tyler nods, eyes closed. He’s tired more often than not these days.

“You haven’t even done any homework.” Josh jostles him.

Tyler shushes him.

A few seconds go by and Tyler is steadily slipping into dreamland. Then there’s a hand in his hair, fingers parting the strands. “Hey.” Tyler blinks blearily up at Josh, whose eyes are soft. “You don’t have to say anything at my funeral.”

“I know I don’t have to,” Tyler breathes, nestling down harder against Josh. “But I want to. And I’m going to.”

-

When Tyler wakes up his legs are numb from being stretched around Josh’s hips all night.

He extends them, wiggling his toes, and in so doing his nose nudges the underside of Josh’s chin. Which is back to feeling frozen.

This time, after Tyler nudges Josh awake, he wraps his hand around Josh’s cock. On Fridays he only has one class at 2, so he could - conceivably - lay here and do this all day. Just jerk Josh off until he’s begging for it, all while rubbing himself against Josh’s leg.

But neither of them last that long, Josh’s cum splattering on Tyler’s wrist and Tyler cumming in his boxers as he bites Josh’s shoulder.

Again, there’s no mark afterward. Tyler still laves his tongue over Josh’s skin, as an apology.

And Josh is warm again by the time Tyler heaves himself up to take a shower.

Josh lays on his bed and sings annoying 90s pop songs while Tyler tries to do some classwork. He checks up on Jenna, just to make sure she’s okay after last night. She claims she is and Tyler knows she hates it when people pry so he leaves her alone after that.

Jenna and Mark don’t know he’s going to Josh’s funeral. Tyler didn’t ask if they wanted to tag along because he knows they assume funerals are for close friends and family, of which Tyler was not.

So when Mark texts him asking if he wants to hang and play Mortal Kombat on Sunday, he bites his lip.

_I’m busy with family stuff. how about saturday after the game?_

Mark just sends the thumbs up emoji, which means ‘I was really looking forward to going home after the game and jerking off, but if that’s the only time I can get my Tyler time in then I guess that’ll have to do’ in Mark speak.

“I waaaaaant it thaaaaat wayyyyy,” Josh shrieks, and when Tyler turns he’s palming himself through his jeans, laid out obscenely on Tyler’s bed.

Tyler was previously focusing very hard on finishing a lab report, but any thought of thoraxes and chest cavities flies from his mind when Josh fucking _mewls_ lifting his hips into his hand.

“Again?”

“Mhm,” Josh moans, holds his other hand out to Tyler. “Need heat again.”

Tyler barely glances back at his lap report, up and on the bed as Josh wraps his fingers around the back of his neck and drags him down. The kiss is biting, Josh desperate for warmth and Tyler desperate to give it to him.

He scrapes his fingers up under Josh’s shirt, dragging his nails down and pressing on Josh’s belly button. Josh whines, eyes screwed shut.

Tyler is pretty sure he gets off on the heat more than he does the actual sex.

Not that they’ve actually had sex yet, but that gives him another genius idea.

“Hey, lay back.” Easing Josh back against the pillows and stopping him from trying to crawl inside Tyler’s T-shirt, he goes to his nightstand and pulls open the second drawer from the bottom.

It’s been a while since he’s done this and the last time was actually with a cute guy from a rivaling school’s team while at a hotel in Cleveland. So he doesn’t actually own any lube, but he should have at least a bottle of lotion somewhere…

He lights on it in the very back of the drawer, stretches himself open while he leans over Josh and rubs his quickly-hardening cock against Josh’s abs, leaving a trail of precum behind. It’ll be gone by the time they finish - nothing ever seems to stick on Josh. After a few minutes or even seconds, he’s always back to the way he was when he first showed up in Tyler’s room.

Tyler doesn’t have the brain capacity to think of a reason why, especially when he’s sinking down onto Josh’s cock. They have exactly 27 minutes before he has to leave for class and then he’ll be gone until after practice so he wants to make this worth it.

But he has to adjust first, hissing at the press of Josh’s hips up into him. Josh sits up and wraps his arms around Tyler’s waist, kisses his shoulder. He’s pulling against Tyler’s back, shifting his hips and trying to ease him into it.

Tyler loves that about him, the fact that Josh is just _nice_. Aside from when Josh pushed his trophy to the floor (which he then apologized for after the fact), he’s never given Tyler any other reason to believe that Josh Dun has (or ever had while he was alive) a mean bone in his body.

And eventually Tyler is shifting up on his own, dropping back down and shimmying his hips, trying to get Josh to burn up like he is.

“Thank you,” Josh whispers, against Tyler’s chest. He’s dropping openmouthed kisses across Tyler’s collarbone and the sides of his neck.

Josh doesn’t feel warm, but he doesn’t feel cold either. Tyler knows that will change too, as soon as they’ve both cum. Probably even before Tyler gets changed and leaves for class, Josh will be back to feeling cold. To Tyler, at least.

Inside his own body (or lack thereof), he’ll just feel numb.

The thought makes Tyler move his hips faster, driving himself down, down, down against Josh, trying to get as much of him inside as possible. Josh isn’t hitting his prostate, but that doesn’t mean he can’t reach down and jack himself off.

Josh beats him to it, agonizingly slow.

“Josh,” Tyler chokes, tears in his eyes.

“Come on,” Josh mutters against his lips. “Cum for me. I have to feel it, I _have_ to.”

His thighs shake as he cums, he’s burning up from the inside out, hopes Josh can feel it. Josh, who’s following shortly after him with a curse and Tyler’s name on his lips.

They finish completely with five minutes to spare before Tyler has to leave.

Tyler presses Josh back to the mattress and kisses him once, chastely. “If you say anything about ectoplasm we’re never having sex again.”

Josh makes a lock and key gesture near the corner of his lips, but Tyler knows he’s thinking it anyway.

-

His one class that day is an English class, Young Adult Novel. They’re discussing the literary merits of The Hunger Games, which Tyler would normally be low-key really into. But all he can seem to think about is Josh. His leg jitters under the desk, fingers twitching on page 78.

Beside him, Jenna doodles in her notebook.

“Mr. Joseph.”

Tyler looks up.

“I didn’t realize we were boring you that badly.”

He hadn’t realized, either, that his fingers had moved from his book and started tapping incessantly on the top of his desk. He stops immediately, moves his hands to his lap and wishes he would fall right through the floor because everyone’s staring at him, Jenna included.

He hates being singled out.

“Sorry,” he mumbles. “Just distracted today.”

Professor Kane fixes his glasses, glares at Tyler over the tops of them. “I expect you in class next week a little less distracted.”

Tyler nods and class resumes. But a few minutes later he stands and leaves anyway, imagines Kane and more than a few of his classmates shaking their heads behind him.

Josh is dead. Josh is dead and all people can think about now is getting ‘back into the swing of things,’ like it never even happened. Like Josh never got hit by that car or like he never existed at all.

He’ll go back for his things after class has let out. Right now he needs to splash some water on his face and just breathe.

There’s a water fountain a little ways down the hall, so he leans over it, cups his hands under the stream, and pours the freezing water down his face. It soaks into the collar of his sweater and clings to his eyelashes.

He wants to go back to class and yell at everyone that he contributes to discussions every week, in a three hour class no less! One of my best friends just died and I think I deserve a break!

That gives him pause, water dripping from the tip of his nose.

You didn’t know Josh, he has to tell himself. You didn’t know him then and you hardly know him now. He’s not one of your best friends. Your best friends are Jenna Black and Mark Eshleman. Not Joshua Dun.

But Josh _is_ one of his best friends, has become one over the past week. It sucks that he can’t tell anyone about it.

A group of Freshmen goes by, their conversation becoming hushed as they pass Tyler bent over the water fountain, wondering what the hell he’s doing. Their voices pick up again as they reach the end of the hall and turn the corner.

Deciding the best course of action right now would be to take a long walk around the English department to clear his head, he pushes back from the fountain. Outside, his wet face nearly freezes automatically. He finds it hard to care, trudging down the stone steps and starting a slow, circuitous route around the building.

It starts to snow as he rounds the other side, yanking the door open with the wind ushering him in. He shivers and licks his lips, wishing he’d had the foresight to at least grab his chapstick from his bag before storming out of class.

Halfway between the Northern entrance to the English department and Tyler’s classroom, there’s a little study hall area tucked in a hallway branching off to the right. He normally wouldn’t take this way to class, but considering he’s trying to waste as much time as possible he takes it today.

At least, he gets about two steps into the little alcove and stops.

Because Debby’s there, head in her hands, bawling her eyes out again.

Tyler should go up to her, he knows this. He should make sure she’s okay because again - all those people who probably promised her they’d be there if she needed them are nowhere to be found. And Tyler is there, ripe and ready for the comforting.

But he just can’t bring himself to do it. Because he’s still afraid. Of what Debby might ask him, of what he might let slip if prompted. That he never knew Josh, but he does now because Josh is a ghost and oops did I just say that out loud?

No.

He takes a few steps back toward the hallway and turns left instead, heading down the more direct route to his classroom.

It’s deserted when he gets there, the only person left being Jenna, who’s taken it upon herself to start packing Tyler’s things for him.

She starts when she sees him. “Dude, where were you? I went to the bathroom a couple minutes after you left and you were nowhere to be found.”

“I took a walk.” Tyler grabs his bag from her. “Thanks for getting my stuff.”

Jenna grabs him suddenly by the shoulder, baby blues piercingly bright. “Are you okay, Tyler?”

_I am the farthest thing from okay I’ve probably ever been. And I’ve been pretty far from okay before._

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Jenna laughs. It sounds forced, but Tyler knows it’s not. It’s just that all this is so absurd, the fact that they’re both so fucked up over the death of a guy they never knew, the only thing left to do is laugh.

So Tyler laughs too, and he and Jenna meet for a hug in the middle of an abandoned English classroom, clinging to each other and shaking and laughing.

-

Practice doesn’t go much better than class - Tyler’s arm has mostly healed from the headboard incident, but his thighs ache from where he’d straddled Josh all night so he gets winded faster than usual. Coach John yells at him to get his head in the game and on the bleachers Mark starts singing High School Musical.

“Can it, Eshleman!”

When he gets benched Tyler puts his head in his hands and listens to the sound of his teammates’ sneakers squeaking on the floor.

Afterward, when he’s coming out of the showers, Coach John pulls him aside. Mark is waiting down the other end of the hall, but he’s oblivious, nose stuck in his camera.

“Tyler, are you feeling alright? I know your arm was hurting you the other day - is that all cleared up?”

“Yeah, I just…”

It’s the first time someone of stature at the school has expressed concern for someone close with Josh, that Tyler has seen. Of course Coach John doesn’t know Tyler is close with Josh and even if he did, he would assume it was before. But it’s nice to know that someone in a position of power around here gives a fuck.

“I’m just really tired. I’ve gotta get a good night’s rest for the game tomorrow so I should…” He trails off, gesturing toward Mark.

But Coach John rests a hand on his shoulder and lowers his voice. “If you wanted to skip the game tomorrow, I think we’d be okay-“

“No.” That is out of the question. His mother would murder him. He hasn’t missed a basketball game since…actually he doesn’t think he’s ever missed one. “I’m good to play. The guys would get slaughtered without me anyway.”

He plays it off as a joke, already halfway down the hall. Coach John is staring after him like he doesn’t know what just happened.

-

The snow is sticking on the drive home, Tyler’s windshield wipers tick ticking back and forth. He parks in front of the house and retrieves the basketball from the garage.

A glance up to his window tells him that Josh is there, watching. He palms himself through his jeans and throws his head back. Tyler imagines he can hear him moaning.

But he just brandishes the basketball at him, letting him know he’ll be up as soon as possible when he’s done. Josh’s head thunks against the window. Despite himself, Tyler smiles gently.

“Ty? What’re you doing?”

His mom is at the front door, staring at him like he has three heads. “Huh? Uh…just warming up.”

“Hurry it up. If you don’t make the 550 tonight it’s 600 tomorrow.”

And the snow has started to come down pretty good.

“I can do math,” he mutters irritably, tosses the ball at the basket.

Nothing but net. Josh cheers from his bedroom window.

-

He grabs dinner before going upstairs, aching and sore.

Josh is there, as soon as he closes the door, pressing against him and mouthing at the side of his neck. “Where were you?” He growls, zing of his teeth across Tyler’s chin. “I saw you come in, but you didn’t come up.”

“Jeez, can’t a guy eat dinner without being harassed?”

“No,” Josh mutters, and the force with which he presses a knee into Tyler’s groin has Tyler wincing.

“ _Ow_ ,” he groans, and Josh steps back.

His dark eyebrows are pulled together, a hand clapped over his mouth. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re- you’re fine,” Tyler breathes, bent double and rubbing at his thighs. He goes to sit on the bed. “I just pulled something at practice.”

Josh joins him, knelt beside and somewhat behind him. He runs his hands over Tyler’s back, up into his hair, down over his sides. He’s trying to pull Tyler back against him. “I guess I’ll be on top this time, huh?”

Tyler can hear the smirk in Josh’s voice, which is why he feels so guilty when he sees red hair on the backs of his eyelids, a darker shade than Josh’s. He hears sobbing and shuddering breaths.

He stands and feels the tug as Josh tries to keep him there. In vain, as Tyler pulls away and turns to face him. “Can we…not tonight?”

The look on Josh’s face makes Tyler want to cry. The icy touch of his fingers as he reaches out and ghosts them under Tyler’s shirt almost does. “Did something happen?”

Taking Josh’s hands in his, he doesn’t push them away. Just holds them for a moment, feels how frigid they really are. Josh needs his heat, but Tyler can’t give it to him. Not when all he can see is Debby crying in the hallway.

“I saw Debby again today. She was crying and I didn’t stop to figure out why, but it was obviously over you. How could it not be? I feel like we’re betraying her when we do this. I didn’t feel like that the first few times…or maybe I did, but I wanted to ignore it because I wanted to help you so bad, but now I do. And I don’t know that I should do that for you anymore. The sex, the kissing, none of it.”

Josh yanks his own hands back, places them on his knees. “That’s what you think?” He waits for an answer and Tyler nods. “You realize I’m dead, right? There’s no such thing as cheating anymore because I’m not alive. Debby can’t call me up if she sees us making out and yell at me, she can’t get mad at you for fucking me, and she sure as hell can’t slap me across the face for cheating on her. I’m dead, Tyler.”

“I know. You’re a ghost, I get that. But there are still people who care about you that I have to see every day and I don’t know if I can face them knowing we’re doing what we’re doing.”

Josh makes a face. “You don’t even see Debby that often. You’re a Bio major - she’s an Art major. After this semester when everything dies down I doubt you’ll ever see her again.”

“That’s not the point.” Tyler scrubs a hand over his face. “The point is that she loves you and-“

“Loved!” The volume of Josh’s voice makes Tyler jump and for a second he’s going to tell Josh to tone it down, before his parents hear. Then he realizes it’s likely no one else can hear Josh other than him. “Past tense, Tyler! Debby does not love me anymore because I’m not alive anymore. She loved me. Because I’m dead. You keep saying you understand, but I don’t think you do. I. Am. Dead.”

As if to prove his point, Josh heads to Tyler’s desk. The broken pieces of his trophy have been laying there, half hidden by his lamp, since Josh broke them. He picks one up, sharp and gleaming in the light, and jabs it into the crux of his elbow.

“Josh!” Tyler takes an aborted step forward, but there’s no need.

The blood that had bloomed up around the shard of trophy is gone as soon as Tyler blinks, the piece of trophy somehow back in its mangled little pile on Tyler’s desk.

“See?” Josh has this twisted moue to his lips that Tyler’s never seen before. “You wanted to help. Because you think I could still be a danger to myself. You think I could walk through that wall and fall to my death two stories below. But I can’t. Because someone already did that for me.”

Tyler can still see the blood, that small bubble of crimson staining Josh’s arm. He rushes forward, arms outstretched. “Please…please don’t do that again.”

When he reaches Josh, he goes right through him, stumbles into his closet door. He turns to see Josh is still facing the opposite direction.

“You can count on it,” Josh says, whisper-quiet, and then he’s gone.

“Josh?”

No answer.

“Josh, talk to me.”

Still no answer.

Tyler didn’t mean for this to happen, he never meant for any of this to happen.

“Josh, please.”

He feels around the room, over his bed, under the desk, before realizing it doesn’t matter. He could be standing inside of Josh right now and he’d never know the difference.

After showering and changing his clothes and packing his things for the game the next day he crawls into bed and shivers, curled around a large bundle of covers.

“I’m sorry,” he says, loud enough that there’s no way Josh couldn’t hear him.

There’s still no answer.

-

He expects Josh to be there in the morning, is the stupid thing. He expects to roll over and find Josh’s chilly hands, his cold nose. He expects Josh to be muscled up behind him, kissing his shoulder over and over and apologizing for fighting.

That doesn’t happen.

Josh isn’t there in the morning.

Tyler glances around, but doesn’t call for him.

He takes another shower just to get out of the room and then starts getting ready for the game.

And when he leaves he doesn’t tell Josh where he’s going or when he’ll be back.

-

Mark’s waiting outside for him when he pulls up, hops in as Tyler beeps unnecessarily.

“Where the hell were you? I was freezing waiting out there.” Mark’s breath is fogging, his nose red.

“Why wouldn’t you just wait inside?”

“Because I was taking pictures of the snow. Check it out.” He shoves his camera in Tyler’s face and Tyler almost swerves off the road.

-

His parents are in the stands. His dad is quiet, as usual. His mom is jumping up and down and yelling obscenities and just generally embarrassing him. As usual.

But they win. Which is all that matters, right? That and Tyler’s point streak.

If he can get MVP four years in a row then he might have a chance of making the NBA and being famous and playing in a different city every night and giving nice little shoutouts to his family during interviews.

That won’t happen. Tyler doesn’t know why - he just knows it won’t.

“Ty, you looked great out there!” His dad says as he’s coming off the court. “Congratulations!”

“Agreed,” his mother says, but there’s a purse to her lips that means something else is coming, “but that was a stupid foul you took in the third. You’ve gotta watch out for things like that, Tyler.”

“I know,” Tyler sighs. He’s sweaty and uncomfortable and his cup is digging into the spot Josh kneed him in earlier.

Luckily Mark is there, waving his camera around. “Dude, I got so many good shots of that layup in the first half. When this hits the school paper you’re gonna have so many hot guys trailing after you you won’t know what to do with them.”

Tyler’s parents are “accepting” that he’s gay. But they still shuffle awkwardly and tell Tyler they’ll see him at home later before heading out to the car.

“Thanks, man.”

“What are annoying best friends for?” Mark slings an arm around Tyler’s shoulders and they exit to the player parking lot.

At Mark’s house, Mortal Kombat is no less amazing than Mark said it was. It brings back memories of when Tyler and Zack used to play in the basement, changing channels when they heard their mom coming down the stairs. She didn’t like the puddles of blood the characters fell in when they died so they always had to hide it from her.

“So, Jenna seemed to handle the vigil pretty well, right?” This is the first time Mark’s brought it up.

Tyler mashes a button and Mark’s avatar goes flying. “Yeah, I think she’s okay. We had a…a moment yesterday. Or something.”

Mark snorts. “You had a what? Dude, stop spamming X - that’s cheating.”

“A moment.” Tyler presses Y instead and gets the snot kicked out of him. “I had left class because I wasn’t feeling well and when I came back we both just sort of made sure we were okay. And I think she is.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Tyler can see Mark nodding slowly. The round ends and they’re tied 1-1.

Before Mark can start the next round, Tyler clears his throat. “Can I…can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, man. Anything.” Tyler knows he means it.

“Have you ever felt like you knew someone after they died? Like you get this news that someone passed away and maybe you’d heard of them before and maybe you hadn’t, but you get this feeling like you knew them anyway.”

“…does this have anything to do with Josh?”

Tyler can’t meet Mark’s eyes, just stares at the corner of the TV screen and nods.

Mark sighs, but it’s not a bad sigh. Tyler knows a bad sigh when he hears one - his mom is the master of bad sighs.

Mark’s sigh sounds like he’s about to spit some mad truth so Tyler opens his ears and listens. “You and Jenna…you took this whole thing pretty hard. I can tell. It doesn’t help that Jenna knew Chris, who knew James, who knew Josh. And it doesn’t help that you know Jenna. Because that means you’re connected to Josh. By proxy, but still connected. So I get it. When I was in high school there was this girl in my neighborhood who passed away. She had an irregular heartbeat that everyone knew would kill her eventually, but it was still a shock when she died. I never talked to her in my life, but…after she died it was like I missed her. Like I wanted to go to her house and hang out with her even though I’d never done that before. And now that she was gone I would never be able to.”

There’s a long pause, in which Mark runs a hand through his hair. “The point is, I understand. I know I blab about photography 24/7 and I can be a jerk off and all that, but I get it. You and Jenna didn’t know Josh, but he was still a student at CSU. He was in band and he was probably amazing and smart and funny like a lot of other people. He was important to his girlfriend and all those kids who said things at his vigil and it sucks knowing he’s gone because who knows? Maybe you or I or Jenna may have met him some day. And now we won’t. And that…sucks.”

That’s not what Tyler meant at all, and yet it’s everything he meant and more. He’d never even thought that maybe if Josh hadn’t died Tyler might have met him and they might have become friends. Even though that’s not likely at all - Tyler and Josh ran in different circles. Tyler is a jock, Josh was a band geek.

But it was still a possibility.

Before Josh died. And Tyler can’t even blame anyone, because Josh is the one who got out of the car. Josh is the one who accidentally walked into traffic and got himself killed.

No drunk driver hit him, no one was texting and driving. Josh did it to himself.

And Mark’s right.

It sucks.

Tyler’s crying and he can’t even hide it from Mark, who’s shifting closer and wrapping his arm around Tyler’s shoulders again.

Tyler is lucky to have Mark in his life. He’s lucky to have Jenna. He’s even lucky to have his parents, who have never fully understood him, but who have tried to the best of their ability to do so.

Josh won’t ever have that again. He won’t ever have anything again.

And Tyler has to make it right.

-

On winning game nights he doesn’t have to do 500. He took a shower at Mark’s place and stayed for dinner, so it’s after 5 when he gets home.

Zack catches him on the stairs. “Hey, man. Congrats on the game. Sorry I couldn’t make it - some kid in my class had a birthday party today and mom forced me to go.”

Tyler nods. “Sounds like mom.”

As Zack descends the rest of the stairs, Tyler heads up, slowly. He doesn’t know what to say to make Josh listen to him. All he knows is that he has to think of _something_ because the funeral is tomorrow and he can’t go with Josh not speaking to him. He can’t.

The plan is to just scream when he comes in, to maybe startle Josh into showing himself.

But when he opens the door, inflating his lungs as much as he can, Josh is already there. Sitting on his bed, looking rather forlorn.

He jumps up when he sees Tyler. “Where have you been?”

Tyler exhales almost cartoonishly, lungs deflating as he slumps.

Josh doesn’t look amused. “Tyler, I’m not kidding. Where have you been?”

Rubbing a hand across the back of his neck, Tyler drops his bag. “Don’t turn this into another fight, please. I don’t have the energy-“

“Not a fight,” Josh mutters, and he’s wrapping his arms around Tyler. He squeezes so hard Tyler can feel his frigid chest through both of their T-shirts. “I was so worried.”

Tyler doesn’t fight it, this time. Lets Josh hug him and joins his own hands around Josh’s waist. “Worried about what?”

“About you.” Josh pulls back just enough to look Tyler in the eye. “Your parents came home and you didn’t and then it got later and later and I thought…I don’t know. I thought a lot of things. My imagination got the better of me.”

“I’m sorry,” Tyler apologizes, for the thousandth time since meeting Josh. “I took Mark home and we hung out for a little while. And I’m sorry about last night, too. I just…God, I’m trying to think of some way to say this without making you mad at me again.”

Josh shakes his head, pulling Tyler back toward the bed. “I won’t get mad. I promise.”

Tyler sits and Josh’s fingers are chilly where they press into his thigh. He takes them and presses them between his hands instead. “I didn’t know you before you died. I’d probably never even heard your name. I didn’t know what you looked like or where you lived or what your favorite food was. And I had no right to be so fucked up over the death of someone I didn’t know.” He pauses, looks up at Josh through his lashes. Josh is listening intently. “But I know you now. I know your favorite food is tacos, I know you love Lost, I know you were an amazing drummer. I know you’re kind, Josh. You’re one of the nicest people I know, even when you’re being an ass.”

Tyler abandons Josh’s hands to push one of his own through the curly red hair near Josh’s ear. “I know you’re beautiful.” Josh blushes at that, the first time he’s done so since first appearing in Tyler’s room, and his eyes fall gorgeously shut. “It’s true. Your hair always catches the light just right and your smile makes my knees fucking weak. And - all poetic description aside - you’re hot as fuck. And I know you think no one cares that you’re dead and that Debby has forgotten all about you and moved on, but if you could see what I see you’d know that’s not true. I also know that that doesn’t make a fucking difference because you _can’t_ see what I see, but I wish you’d trust me. And I wish…I wish you’d let me touch you again, like we’ve been doing, even though I told you I didn’t want to anymore. I change my mind.”

Josh doesn’t pull away, which is a good sign. He doesn’t get mad, like he promised. He does, however, pull Tyler’s hand from his hair and place both of Tyler’s hands in his lap. “I want that,” he says, “but I have something to tell you first. Two things, actually.”

Tyler nods. “Absolutely.”

“I knew who you were before I died.”

That makes Tyler’s heart contract painfully. “What?”

With his lips pressed together, Josh’s face goes red once more. “We took a class together last year. An English class. Poetry.”

Tyler remembers that class, one of the few his Freshman year he’d actually enjoyed. He doesn’t remember Josh being in it, though. Not even when they had to pick partners for a group project.

“You don’t remember, and that’s okay. I sat in the back and you were always in the front with Jenna. But when I first showed up here and saw you, I knew immediately who you were. The boy with the really good poem. I knew literally nothing else about you except there was this one poem you wrote for homework one time you got up to read about halfway through the semester. I think you called it Taxi Cab or something?”

Slowly, Tyler nods. Taxi Cab was…something else. He’d never write another thing like it, not if he lived to be a thousand.

“Yeah,” Josh continues. “I remember that. It was one of the saddest things I’d ever heard, but also one of the best. It made me think about a lot, I’ll say that.”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t remember you.”

Josh smiles and just sort of rubs his finger against Tyler’s knee. “It’s okay, really. I never got up to read any of my shit so I didn’t expect you to.”

Tyler tries to shift up, to press himself against Josh and apologize further, but Josh urges him back down. “One more thing, Ty.” But he doesn’t begin right away, looking anywhere but at Tyler. “When I tell you this…you might hate me. Debby sure as hell did.”

Surging forward again, Tyler gets a hand on Josh’s side. “There’s no way I could-“

Josh urges him back down once more. “Just listen.” Then there’s a long pause. So long that Tyler has to wonder whether Josh is ever going to start speaking again or not. “That night…I was taking Debby home from a party. We’d played a show earlier in the day and a couple guys from another band wanted to get together and drink. Debby didn’t even want to go originally, because we both have class on Mondays. But I felt weird saying no - I told her she could go home if she wanted to, that I could drop her off beforehand. But she didn’t like leaving me alone with people I hardly knew because she knows how weird I get. At the party-“

“Josh, you don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.” There’s a reason Tyler has never voluntarily brought that night up, never asked about the accident or what he and Debby fought about.

But Josh is vehement, crushing Tyler’s hands in both of his. “I have to, Tyler. Because you keep saying what an amazing person I am, how nice I am, but you have to realize that I’m not. I’m not nice at all and I can’t sit here and let you believe that I am… James was at the party, obviously. He was our bassist. I knew James had liked me for a long time and I had ignored it, for a long time. But that night was different. James got completely trashed and kissed me, in this little corner of the kitchen where I’m sure he thought no one would see. And…and I kissed him back. I wasn’t drunk, Tyler. I knew I had to drive Debby home later so I’d capped myself at one beer. I knew what I was doing and I kissed him back. And Debby saw.”

Tyler’s mouth is dry. “Josh-“

“That’s what the fight in the car was about. So, when you see Debby crying in the halls or in an empty classroom or whatever, she’s not crying because she still loves me. She’s crying because I already cheated on her. And she fucking hates me. And she never got the chance to tell me that before I got out of the car and got myself killed. And you keep saying I’m so nice and kind and I’m not. I’m a horrible fucking person.”

Tyler doesn’t bat an eye, tugs one of his hands from Josh’s and curls his fingers around Josh’s shoulder. “One bad thing doesn’t make you a bad person. If it did literally everyone would be considered a bad person. And…I’m not just saying this because I’m trying to make you feel better, but one kiss doesn’t count as cheating, to me.”

“It did to Debby.”

“And that’s fine. But I don’t think that meant she hated you. You should have heard the things she said about you at the vigil - she still thought the sun shined out of your ass, trust me. And I wish you could hear the things she’ll say about you tomorrow because they’re gonna be beautiful.”

There’s a long, drawn-out sigh as Josh looks down, dark lashes fanning out over alabaster cheeks. “I just…that was the last thing I’ll ever remember. Cheating on my girlfriend, yelling at each other in the car, then…nothing.”

“Don’t think like that.” Tyler anchors himself with the hand on Josh’s shoulder, pushing the rest of his body into Josh’s lap. He noses at Josh’s jaw, kisses his neck, scrapes his fingers under the collar of Josh’s shirt. “You’ll remember _me_ , right? Remember this?”

“Of course.” Skimming his fingers over Tyler’s cheek, Josh curls the other around his hip and kisses him.

Tyler loses himself, presses his chest to Josh’s, grinds down against him. Josh moans softly, the sound reverberating through Tyler’s chest like bass. Panting, Tyler pulls back so that their lips are barely brushing. “Are you okay with this?”

“I should be asking you that, after last night.” Josh nips at his lower lip.

“I mean…” He hadn’t thought about this before now, but it’s sure as hell running through his mind at 70 miles an hour at the minute. “…you still love Debby, right?”

“Yes.” There is no hesitation, not even in Josh’s eyes. “And if that makes you not want to do this then that’s fine. But I’ve come to like you a lot too, Tyler. Maybe that does make me a cheater, I don’t know. But you’re a good friend. And you’re all I have.”

Tyler realizes just how true that is - this past week Josh has had contact with him and only him. He only knows what news Tyler brings him, can see the weather change from Tyler’s bedroom window. And that’s it.

So Tyler kisses Josh again, wriggles around until he’s able to lean back, dragging Josh down over him. “You wanted to be on top this time, right?”

Josh laughs and snarls at the same time, suctions his lips to the side of Tyler’s neck and starts tugging at his pants.

He stretches Tyler quick and dirty, leans down to bite at Tyler’s sharp hipbones. When he comes back up Tyler thinks he sees more red than usual, blood pouring from a gaping wound on the side of Josh’s neck.

But then Josh is pushing into him and Tyler can’t see anything except the stars behind his eyes.

He holds onto Josh for dear life, digs his fingers into Josh’s biceps. Josh kisses him gently and Tyler sees blood and stars and bruises and life and death.

When he cums everything is gone except for Josh, blanketing him and holding him as he shakes apart. “Thank you,” Tyler whispers, but he’s not entirely sure what for. That’s a lie. He knows what he’s thankful for, but it’s a lot of things rolled into one.

He’s thankful to Josh for being his friend, for doing this with him, for turning to him when he didn’t have to. Josh could have stayed invisible, haunting Tyler’s house for years and years until Tyler eventually moved out and a new family took the Josephs’ place. But he chose to ask for Tyler’s help and Tyler is glad.

“Thank _you_ ,” Josh mutters, collapses at Tyler’s side.

Tyler turns and wraps himself around Josh, kisses his shoulder over and over. “Sorry I worried you.”

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” Josh kisses the top of his head. “How was the game?”

“Great. We won.”

“NBA-bound, huh?”

Normally that joke would bother Tyler, but tonight he just sighs and nods. “Kobe would be proud.”

As he’s falling asleep he thinks he sees a trickle of blood down Josh’s arm.

-

His suit is too small.

The last time he wore it was for Madison’s Confirmation, two years ago.

Tyler drags his nails down his face, looking at Josh in the mirror behind him. “I should have tried it on,” he moans, helpless. “Why didn’t I try it on?”

“Dude, it looks fine. Just-“ Josh reaches around him and tugs the cuffs down, straightens the lapels. “There.”

“You want me to stand like this the whole time?” Due to Josh’s ministrations, Tyler is hunched over, arms held rigidly at his sides. He raises an unamused eyebrow.

Josh rolls his eyes. “Stand up straight. You look fine. You look…handsome.”

“Really?” His face flames, and he shuffles his feet.

Josh grabs him by the shoulders and turns him around, presses a lingering kiss to his lips. “Very handsome.”

Tyler can’t help but fidget with the front of his suit some more, fighting with Josh’s hands to yank it into what he considers the right place that isn’t going to make him look like a dingus.

“Tyler.” Josh’s chilly fingers close around his wrists. “It’s my funeral and I say you look fine.”

“Okay.” He glances at the clock. “I guess I’ll see you afterward?”

Nodding, Josh gives him another quick peck to the cheek. “Say something nice.”

There’s nothing Tyler could think to say about Josh that wouldn’t be nice. Even knowing what he knows about James and what happened between Josh and Debby, he still thinks Josh is the nicest, coolest guy (ghost) he’s ever met.

At the door, he pauses. Josh is a ghost, living in Tyler’s bedroom.

He turns back to Josh, who’s taken a seat on the bed. “Hey, have you ever…tried to leave?”

“What do you mean?”

“My room - have you ever tried to leave it?”

“Uh…” Josh glances between Tyler and the door. “No?”

Tyler holds his hand out. “Come here.”

Josh looks scared, but Tyler wants him to know there’s no reason to be. When Josh wraps his fingers around Tyler’s, Tyler runs his thumb over Josh’s cold knuckles.

“What if…” Josh looks petrified now, wide brown eyes on Tyler’s still-closed door.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be right here.” Tyler opens the door slowly, and the hallway looms in front of them. He steps out first, turns with his hand still outstretched. “Don’t be scared.”

“Easy for you to say,” Josh whispers, and goes invisible.

Tyler can feel a chill as Josh - presumably - steps into the hallway. “You here?”

“Yeah.” Josh’s disembodied voice comes from close by, trembling in the still air.

Tyler closes the door behind them. “Stay close, okay? I can…feel you.”

Josh’s chill clings to him as he heads down the hallway, takes the stairs slowly, and stops in the living room.

“Damn, Ty. Lookin’ fresh.” Zack laughs.

“Where are you headed off to?”

Zack and his mom are watching A Haunting on TV. Fitting.

It feels like a large ice cube has been pressed to his arm and he knows it’s Josh, huddling as close to him as possible.

“The funeral. I’ll be back before dinner, I think.”

His mom gives him a _look_. She thinks it’s weird that Tyler is going to a funeral for a boy he never knew. “Well, your brother’s right. You do look very nice.”

“Thanks.” Tyler rubs at the back of his neck and feels a cold pinch at the small of his back.

_Told you so_.

He stops when he gets to the car, wishes he could turn and see where Josh is. But he just stands there, worrying. “Is this…okay? The car?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Josh’s voice comes from the other side of the car. “I’m getting in.”

Tyler climbs in too, huddling down into his suit jacket and shivering. “God, I need it to be summer again so bad.”

“I don’t feel anything.”

“I know you don’t, asshole. But some of us are freezing over here.” There’s that same press of icy coldness, this time on his thigh, and Tyler almost shouts. “You’re a dick.”

Josh just laughs.

-

“Where do you wanna sit?”

Tyler utters the question under his breath because the place is quickly filling up and he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s talking to himself.

“There are people here I don’t even _know_ ,” Josh breathes.

Glancing around, Tyler shuffles and tries to find Josh’s coldness again. “Which one’s your mom?”

A pause, the patch of frigid air moving away from him as Josh tries to find her. “There. Blonde, black dress, big blue ring.”

Almost everyone is wearing black. It takes Tyler a while to find the big blue ring Josh mentioned. When he does he starts to make a bee line for her. But it feels like someone has swung a giant bag of ice cubes at his chest.

“What’re you doing?” Comes Josh’s harried voice.

“Going to ask your mom if I can say something, what’s it look like? What, do you not want me to meet her?” He’s taken two more steps forward, rubbing at his chest, before he realizes. He doubles back, talking out of the side of his mouth. “If you want, you can wait here.”

Laura Dun already has tears in her eyes when Tyler approaches her and calls her ma’am.

“What can I do for you, sweetie?”

It’s been years since anyone has called Tyler sweetie. He tugs the sleeves of his suit down with his thumbs. He thinks about not lying, but has already decided that a lie is better than the truth, same as before. “My name’s Tyler. I knew Josh - we were both in the music scene around Columbus. And I was wondering if you would mind if I said a few words when it comes time?”

Josh’s mom nods, gives a glance in the direction of a big guy Tyler assumes is Josh’s dad. “Of course not. I’ll let you know when it’s time.”

He hadn’t really expected her to say no, but now that he knows he’s really going to get up there in a room full of Josh’s closest friends and family and give a eulogy about a guy he’s known for all of a week he starts to feel incredibly sick.

Back in the very middle of the church, where he left Josh, he mutters Josh’s name.

Instead of answering, Josh just says, “Who _are_ all these people?”

“Debby’s up front if you wanna-“

“We should sit.”

“Okay.” Tyler leads Josh to a pew four behind where Josh’s parents and siblings are sitting.

He hadn’t noticed before, but the casket is already there in front of the altar. Closed, the sun glinting perfectly off the top in Tyler’s direction so that he has to shield his eyes.

Which is perfect, because it gives him an excuse to duck his head and talk to Josh. “Are you okay?”

Josh just hums, which Tyler doesn’t know is good or bad. And he can’t very well ask because more people are joining them in the pew. The only way he knows Josh is still beside him is because of the lingering chill at his side.

He notices James Lotz is nowhere to be found and wonders how Josh feels about that.

The service starts and it’s all a bunch of holy mumbo jumbo that sounds vaguely familiar to Tyler. He realizes he has now set foot in a legitimate church for the first time since two years ago. It feels odd, but not bad.

As Josh’s family members take the podium and say their peace, Tyler is waiting for Josh to leave him, to go somewhere else because it’s too much or too painful. His mom is crying, Debby is crying, his brother and sisters are crying. And Josh is witness to his own funeral. But he stays right at Tyler’s side, chill clinging to him like the icy wind outside.

Then Josh’s mom is nodding at Tyler and he’s standing in the sea of people, stepping on everyone’s nice shoes on his way to the aisle.

His palms are sweaty and all he can think about is that Eminem song, hopes he doesn’t puke right in the middle of his speech.

The screech of the microphone as he moves it down reverberates through the church, as does the small cough he gives to clear his throat. The sound is amplified as it echoes out. A few people wince.

“Sorry," he mutters. Josh’s mom gives an encouraging nod from the pew, makeup running down her face. Tyler takes a breath. “I didn’t know Josh very long. We met under the most unlikely of circumstances, in my opinion. Josh wouldn’t have said so - he’d say we met for a reason, even if we didn’t know what that reason was. Because that’s just the kind of guy he was; positive and always looking on the bright side. I won’t ever know why Josh was taken from us so early, but I know he’s here. And I know he’d say there was a damn good reason for it. So I’m trying to live my life the way he lived his. I wanna be positive and look on the bright side of things because maybe by doing that Josh can live forever. Through the things we do, the _nice_ things we do. For others.”

It’s nowhere near as inspirational as Taxi Cab was. But Josh’s parents are crying, clinging to each other. Debby’s face is red. A few people are nodding.

Tyler thanks everyone for listening, thanks Josh’s mom for letting him speak, and then heads back to his seat. Only when he gets there Josh really is gone. No frigid air or chilly touches to Tyler’s side. He looks around, like he might be able to see him.

He hopes Josh didn’t leave before he started speaking, hopes Josh heard what he had to say. Because he meant all of it.

When the service officially ends he thinks about leaving. Josh probably went out to the parking lot so he should head out there and find him.

But something pulls him toward the casket. His legs shake as he approaches it, golden red mahogany being encroached upon by lilies and roses and daffodils. The wood swirls as he looks at it, pulses and makes him dizzy.

Josh appears at his side.

Tyler’s heart leaps into his throat. “What the hell’re you doing?” He hisses.

“Relax. Nobody can see me. I already checked.” Josh is staring at the casket same as Tyler.

“So, what? I’m the only person who can see you? At all?”

Josh shrugs. “Apparently. I think you’re the only person who can hear me, too.”

“How d’you know?”

“Let’s find out.” Before Tyler can stop him, Josh shouts, “I’m alive!”

No one even raises their head or looks their way.

“That’s so weird.”

“You’re telling me.”

Tyler goes to lay his hand on top of the casket and Josh’s fingers stop him, wrapped tightly around his wrist. They’re freezing.

He gives Josh a questioning look and Josh frowns. “I’m probably not even in there. My body was probably too fucked up after it happened for them to even try and salvage it.”

A flash of ruby red, near Josh’s earlobe.

As surreal as this feels to Tyler, he can’t imagine what it must feel like to Josh. “Are you okay?”

A pause. “I heard what you said.”

Josh’s fingers are still locked around Tyler’s wrist. Tyler looks at him and leans forward. “I meant it. All of it. I wish I could’ve met you before, I really fucking do. You’re amazing and beautiful and you made the world a better place just by being in it and now you’re gone and it sucks because-“

Josh cuts him off, tugs harshly at his wrist. “I need you to come outside with me.”

“Josh?”

“ _Now_.”

Josh’s hold becomes tighter. Tyler imagines it would almost be cutting off his circulation if Josh weren’t a ghost and that were possible. But he’s pulling at Tyler’s hand, only letting go when Tyler concedes and turns.

He follows Josh through a side door that not many people have been using. Outside, they’re on a concrete landing with a ramp leading off to one side. It looks like it may have been an entrance to the church for people in wheelchairs, but Tyler doesn’t remember seeing anyone in a wheelchair, not even Josh’s grandparents. So it’s deserted.

Good thing, too, because Josh is pacing back and forth, hands now locked in his hair. He’s tugging at the strands and Tyler thinks he looks ready to combust.

“I have to tell you something,” Josh says, voice shaking. “I have to. Because you’ve spent all this time talking about how wonderful I am, and my mom said I was the best son she could have asked for, and Debby got up there and completely ignored the whole me sucking face with James thing in favor of all the other shit she thought made me a good person, and I can’t take it anymore. I have to tell you because I can’t tell anyone else.”

Tyler nods, though he’s not sure he follows. “You can tell me anything, Josh.”

Josh stops pacing, stares at Tyler for a beat. And then, “It was suicide.”

Time doesn’t stop so much as it shatters, shards of glass breaking off and splintering Josh into twenty different pieces before he gets put back together again. “W-What?”

“I killed myself, Tyler. I thought Debby would have told someone way before this, but maybe she didn’t see. It was really dark, I don’t know. I just know that…I did it on purpose. Everything…” Josh starts pulling at his hair again and Tyler can see the blood on his neck now. It’s real and he wasn’t imagining it. “…everything got to be too much. I was struggling with a lot of shit and I didn’t want to live anymore and the fight with Debby was the last straw and I just…walked into traffic.”

Josh’s neck is split open, organs hanging out. There’s blood on his face and his arms, his shirt is drenched in it. A milky-white bone peeks out from his shredded jeans and he’s missing a shoe.

Tyler can’t say anything.

So Josh continues. “I never felt like I belonged at CSU. That’s why I said people didn’t care when I died. Because I didn’t think they did. My mom never liked that I was a Music major, my dad said it was a waste of time, Debby hated me for cheating on her. It was just so much easier to stop the car and get out and make sure it was all over. And now…now I know you, Tyler. Now you brought me here, to my own fucking funeral, and everyone’s all misty-eyed over me. For what? I was never terribly important to anyone, not that I thought. But maybe I was. I’ll never know because I took the easy way out. I just had to let you know. Because you keep saying it sucks that we’ll never be friends, not in the way you’re friends with Jenna or Mark. And you had to know. That it’s because of me. It’s my fault that we’ll never be friends, that we’ll never meet.”

The smell of blood is so thick in the air he can taste it. Copper, dirty gold.

For one split second Josh is so covered with his own innards that Tyler thinks he might faint.

Then the picture snaps back together and Josh is fresh-faced and clean, T-shirt devoid of blood, his bones back where they belong. And Tyler knows just what to say.

“Josh.” He reaches out toward Josh, curls his fingers around his elbow. “Some people have a fucked up way of showing they care. So much so that the people they love can’t see it until it’s too late.”

“You think it’s too late for me?” Josh isn’t crying, but his voice sounds choked.

Tyler shakes his head. “Not at all. You saw what I saw in there, right? You heard what everyone said. You didn’t even know half the people in there, but they were all crying. Because they know what you meant to the people you _did_ know. How happy you made your family and your friends. I’m sorry you couldn’t see that before. I’m sorry all of this had to happen for you to know.”

Josh bites at his lower lip, expression pained. “Tyler-“

“You make me happy, too. You know that, right? We’ve known each other a week and in that week I’ve learned more about myself than in the past 19 years of my life.” Tyler kisses Josh, lightly, on the cheek.

“I see,” Josh sighs, like a confession. He doesn’t feel as cold anymore. “I see who I was. To everyone. And I’m sorry for taking myself away from them. From you.”

The sun makes Josh’s hair look like he’s on fire. Makes his eyes look like cinnamon, his skin ivory. He’s as beautiful now as he was when he was alive, Tyler imagines. Maybe even more so.

Because he looks like an angel.

“If you have to let go,” Tyler says, because he feels it’s right, “you can. There’s nothing stopping you. And I’ll never forget you.”

“Tyler?” Josh looks lost, eyes looking through Tyler instead of at him.

“It’s okay.” Tyler takes a step back, instead of forward. “It’s okay, Josh. You can go.”

In the silence that follows, Josh disappears.

**Author's Note:**

> I have [Tumblr](http://mommyjesus.tumblr.com/).
> 
> it's 6 AM and i haven't slept because there was a bug in my room and now idk where it is so here have this


End file.
